Ah, here I am one post therapy session and feeling a whole lot better. I didn't realize how much the grief support group was dragging me down. In retrospect, I should have realized that it was not going to work for me because for one, I am not a group person. Two, even though I am never going to be over the death of my mom, I realize my feelings are not really directly related to her dying and death. It is the ripples that it has created. Yes, I am still miss her and a part of me died when I had to watch her suffer and die but that is not what is causing all the feelings of anger I am dealing with right now. Now I am dealing with being very sad at how troubled so many people are and the dismal place the world is in. Sadness leads to anger. For instance, I think that the Higher Power that is running this planet is not doing a very good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah free will and all that shit but I think free will is a bad idea. Anyway... I will work through this. At least I hope I can because my feelings are very deep and intense. Will see.
Leonard Cohen was great. I am adding him to Men That I Love list. The list includes my husband and the Guy in the Puce Sweater From the Bookstore. I would have married him because he totally rocked that puce sweater. He looked like a university student that must have been the ultimate nerd in high school. He had dorky glasses and I think he may have forgot to brush his hair that morning because his curls were all plastered to one side of his head. Seriously, I fell in love with him and told my husband so.
Next week we are going to see Gordon Lightfoot. That will be one more thing off my Bucket List. After that will be my surgery on the 20th. I am totally looking forward to having it because I need some time off work. Give me an intra-vaginal surgery that is going to be incredibly painful just to get some time off work! Bring it on.
I am very very happy that you are feeling better, and also that you loved Leonard Cohen.
ReplyDeletePlease tell us about the Gordon Lightfoot concert. I would love to go... Some year. Perhaps.
And, I hope they give you some half decent painkillers after that surgery. Time off work is always better WITHOUT pain. If you have significant pain, how can you tell you are not at work?
Glad you're starting to feel a bit better now! I love Leonard Cohen and Gordon Lightfoot too. I saw GL in concert probably about 25 years ago now -- a long time ago!
ReplyDeleteI don't comment much but I read just about all of your entries. I have not lost my mother and can't imagine it. I do know how it feels to grieve something for years and years and to still struggle with it though. You are in my heart. I am glad you stopped the group therapy if it was being nothing but counterproductive.
ReplyDeleteI've been having a hard time as well with losing my mum. I know how much she was suffering and she is no longer suffering. Which is a good thing. But now I am suffering which I don't like. Selfish, I know. I want her still alive so that I don't have to suffer.
ReplyDeleteI realized last week that I miss my mum, but not the mum of the last few years when she was suffering with age and becoming increasingly dependent, but I was missing the mum of twenty years ago when she was independent and we would go on long walks. I'm also missing the mum I never had, the one who would listen to me without judgement and love me just as I am. She couldn't do that and I'm grieving that loss as well.
And anger, for me is just sadness that I don't want to feel. My father taught me all about anger, it's big and takes up a lot of room. It protects you from sadness, or so it seems. But not really. It still seeps out and the anger hurts everyone around, including me.
Glad you made it to see a good therapist. And Leonard Cohen, I have his DVD, I love it. Take care woman.
Feeling better AND Gordon Lightfoot in the offing. Can't be bad!
ReplyDeleteSeriously though - I'm pleased you're feeling more positive. Keep it up.
I'm so glad you went, and that it is already helping. Puce sweater? Damn, he must have been cute! It will be good to get the surgery over with, no?
ReplyDeleteWe need stealth pictures of the puce sweater guy!
ReplyDeleteI am in love with Leonard Cohen!
ReplyDeleteOh dear about your surgery! I hope it isn't painful at all for you, but that you get all the time off and can do fun things instead of having to manage pain :P