I spoke to my dad today about when the time comes and she is in the very last stages of living. ( I don't like the word dying.) Home or hospital? I am a Home Support nurse and a large part of my job is palliative. Dying at home is nice but it is not all sunshine and roses. For the most part, your home turns into a mini hospital room. A hospital bed. A wheelchair. A walker. IV poles, hospital bed sheets, bed pads, catheter bags (night and day), medications, little garbage bags, boxes of Kleenex, hospital gowns, raised toilet seats, bath chair, commodes, nurses coming and going, social workers, home support nurses and on and on. I want what is best for my mom but the reality is I need to think of my dad. He has to be able to live there after and not have to look at the place where the hospital bed was, the place where his wife died. And yet, maybe that is what will be best. I don't know. Then I wonder how I can look at this so calmly.
I am going away for the night this weekend. We booked this a few weeks back and were going to cancel. But I think I need to get away and think, though thinking is all I am doing right now. There is an exhibit of my favourite artist but I just can't make myself care. Normally I would be jumping at the chance. The thought of wandering around the museum does not fascinate me at the moment.
My cat is peeing everywhere. Very stressed. He hates people coming in and looking at our home nearly everyday. He also is picking up on my stress. Right now he is hiding behind my laptop. He let me do a few minutes of Reiki on him today but then gave me a love nip to say that he had enough. Poor cat. I am usually a very quiet person and have very few guests. The last three weeks there has probably been close to 45 different people in here.
Went to Reiki today but I ruined it by having caffeine and now I can't sleep.
Namaste.
Birdie my friend, I hear that overwhelmed feeling in your voice. I am so sorry for your mom's suffering and your dad and you and all your family. This is a hard thing and when we are in it we feel so helpless. I am hoping that your mom changes her mind about hospice. Hospice is a gift for everyone. Both my sister and my father-in-law spent their last days of life in home hospice care. I don't know how we would have managed without it. Grief is like you say. continuous and changing in no special order. I will be praying for you all and sending Reiki to your mom. I think I read on Tabouleh's blog that your mom's name is Adele. namaste.
ReplyDeleteI went through this journey in 2009 with my Mom. My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 3 weeks later. We were all in shock. She passed away peacefully at home surrounded by her children, and grandchildren, which is how she wanted to go. But it was hard. Reading your post has brought back that time. I wish I could say something to bring you comfort or lend strength. I will keep you in my own thoughts and prayers and if you need even a sympathetic ear, please do reach out. (((hugs)))
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