Oh, dear god. I am working with someone tonight and my introverted self is freaking out. I adore this woman but my god, she will not stop talking. She doesn't stop for breath and goes from one topic to another and I can't keep up. It is 4:09 and I just want to sit and be quiet. Ack! She talks really fast. It is now 4:24 and she is still talking. My head is spinning. All I am doing is sitting here and getting an occasion word in edgewise. How do people not pick up on non-verbal ques? Tomorrow I am going to a B&B. All alone. By myself. Time to think about things. I do have a rough outline in my head of what I want to think about because I need to make some decisions. Lots of decisions. Still talking. It has taken me well over an hour to write this. Smiling and nodding. Fuck! Stop talking! Ok, I have to go. It is 5:51 and she is still talking. She is now across the room and still talking. Update - She just left to do patient care and it is the first time in over two hours where it is quiet. It is 6:17.
It is very hard to come up with anything post-worthy when you work 12-hour night shift but today I have 2!
My husband retired today after 37 years at the post office! It, like so many jobs has become stressful and difficult. I won't go into the work environment but I for one am so glad that the stress of his job will no longer be a factor. Now he is going to be home. Every. Single. Day. Oh, goody. No, I really am happy. I have to work for another 25 years before I can retire. Oh, goody.
And the second bit of news is the 1921 census just came out. The census brings a thrill to all genelogists and historians. I was excited until I realized it was that searches are only by Province and district and sub-district. So unless you already know exactly where your family was you have to wait for the searchable census comes out. Or you can search through 8 million names. That is fun, too. Actually, I have very good ideas where my family was in 1921 but still can't find much. You have to scroll through hundreds or thousands of pages like the one above (click on it and see what I mean) and hope you can actually read the hand writing of the census taker. Anyway, this is gold to genelogists as this is the census a lot of us have been waiting for. (That is a lie, we love every census that comes out! We wait, not too patiently for this.) And I love it when a old year passes because it means I have access to new birth, death and marriage records! Anyway, are you bored yet? I am. So damn tired tonight and wish I could sleep. Since I can't I need to do something other than trying to type. I am at about 60 typing mistakes per minutes.
Oh, man I was tired when I wrote yesterday's post. I really do need a vacation as Ms. Moon suggested. I am going away on Sunday all by myself because I can admit stress is getting the better of me right now so I am going to spend three nights at a B&B. Alone. I don't remember the last time I did something all alone. To be honest, I don't think I have ever just gone away all by myself! Tonight I did my usual pre-work trip to the grocery store. The "that's what she said" guy was there and he gave me the biggest smile. I was hoping he would not recognize me because it was dark outside when I said what I said. And I had my bangs cut. Anything to not be recognized! Anyway, I got my fruit and skedaddled out of there.
Well, it is that time of the year. I have my Litebook on and ohhhhhh, it feels heavenly! This small gizmo is the size of a pocket book. It gives off a lot of light which gives me energy and helps to keep that damn Black Dog of Depression away in our dark Pacific Northwest winters. It actually feels good to sit with it on. Often I just keep in on past the minimum 15 - 20 minute recommendation because it gives you the same sense as a sunny day. Your brain does not know the difference. They are expensive ($189.00) but the difference they make is huge and I of course I need light therapy that is portable. They do have a 30-day money back guarantee so if it doesn't work you are not out of pocket.
Today I also started taking this product. I know I do not get enough fruits and vegetables in my diet at times so I thought I would give this a try. One serving has 6-7 servings of fruits and vegetables so it packs quite a lot in there. They taste is not too bad. It is not something I will linger over but down quickly. So, since seeing my naturopath I am feeling better. Again, this is what I am doing. I am on a new fish oil so dosages have changed.
Thyroid medication taken the same time everyday 30 minutes before a meal. (She said if I do nothing else, do this.)
1 high quality fish oil (made from sardines) 2 x daily.
4000 iu of liquid Vitamin D.
1 tablet daily of Iron with meals. This also contains B6 and B12.
1 500 mg tablets of Vitamin C taken 2 x daily.
The above mentioned Greens
Yes, I am feeling better. It feels like I have a ways to go but,
I don't feel as foggy.
Perimenopause symptoms are easing.
Acne is not as bad. (Only two small spots this month.)
Breasts are not as sore.
As I mentioned, I have lost 8 pounds and I am not even trying to lose weight right now. All that is different is I am not craving junk food like I was.
Not as many hot flashes.
Don't feel as bloated.
I feel like I have a little more energy but still have days that I just want to sit on the couch all day long.
Hair and skin are smoother and softer. My face looks sort of younger.
I would still like to see myself dealing with stress better but I do feel I am headed in the right direction. Dealing with stress is still one of my biggest challenges. (As if you all didn't know this! ha!)
I have to write this stuff down or I will forget. I also hope it encourages anyone out there that feels like shit everyday that there is hope.
It has come to my attention that I need to move because the city I live in is driving me insane. Why? Let me tell you. I live in a city nestled really close to the ocean. A paradise! Things really got kicking here around the 80's when the population exploded. It went from a tiny town to a city of 80, 000, not including the outskirts. The outskirts puts it at about 105, 000. However, since the 80's our roads have not changed at all. There has been no road updates within the city itself. We are using a city plan that was meant to accommodate about 40, 000 people. Now, whenever anyone drives anywhere it takes an incredibly long time. For instance, yesterday it took me about 15 minutes to drive 4 km. There are about 30 red light intersections in a distance of 17 km. Most of the time you do not get though the light changes the first, second or third time. I am not a big city girl! Anyway, this rant is pointless. It is a stupid rant and a first world problem. But dear god, I want to move here. But really, all this ranting is just because I feel so stressed. And tired. Am I going to hate Septembers for the rest of my life or only the next few? It is not just September. It is everything including the traffic. The lights hurt my eyes, dept piles up, sometimes my work drains me and I don't always have the opportunity to recharge. I don't know...it is just LIFE, you know? It just gets to be too much and it seems so redundant to write it all down. As a society, what have we got ourselves into? Why does life have to be so busy? It is not like I have a lot going on. It is just all the shit. The fucking rabbit we are looking after that should have been picked up on Monday and there is sawdust from one end of our house to the other. It is my camera breaking and having to do 27 steps just to get it repaired. It is Revenue Canada needing shit from 2008. It is going all the way to Target and they literally do not have one nightie out with long sleeves. It is going to Sears and being charged almost $100.00 for two nighties made in Bangladesh. (I put them back. I refuse to support outsourcing and people in 3rd world countries working in deplorable conditions. I would really like to know how much the worker gets paid for a nightie that costs $46.99. A few cents? Now that is just wrong.) It is my kids not wanting to go to their dad's because his new wife can be unkind. It is also my kids not wanting to go to their dad's house because he can't get his shit together to buy them beds so they have to sleep on couches. It is my son feeling overwhelmed and anxious. It is my husband retiring this week. It is my step-daughter still not talking to me even though I have never shown her anything but love. (I so want to be part of her and her baby's life. I send all sorts of care packages over but have yet to even be given a thank you.) It is the price of gas, the most expensive in North America. It is the price of food. It is feeling like crap all the time. It is trying to find a good book to read that doesn't make my soul ache. It is the 7 flies in our house right now and one just landed on my beer. (We never have flies!) It is the constant noise. It is sleeping but never feeling rested. Really, I think the Grinch wasn't all that off while sitting all alone on Mt. Crumpit. It got to be too much for him.
And with that, I am going to have a hot bath then go to bed. Because it all starts again tomorrow. I will leave this on a happy note. Since seeing my Naturopath I have lost 8 pounds without even trying. All the supplements are starting to work.
A few weeks back I received something from Revenue Canada requesting information. (A real pain in the ass but that is another post for another time.Or not. Who wants to hear about Revenue Canada?) While digging through old papers I came across a slip of paper. It was green. It was a handwritten receipt for the burial plot of my great grandfather, a man I never met. He was a troubled man and left my nana (grandma) with 3 children under the age of 4. It is a sad story. I think he may have been gay and being forced to live in a heterosexual relationship was just too much for him. Yes, I will write a post on this another time. Anyway... I found this little slip of paper and noticed it was made out to a Wilfred E. (my maiden name). Huh? Ok, who on earth is this guy because I have never heard of him. I e mail my aunts and they write back that Wilfred was one of my grandfather's brothers. Apparently there was a whole lot of siblings that I never knew about. It has opened the figurative can of worms and proves that no matter how long and hard you research your roots you can never be 100% sure that the information you have is correct. And I can't leave this alone, oh no! There are people to be tracked! Aunts, uncles and cousins to be added! There are second cousins, once removed to be added. And their spouses! Dear god, it is a geneologists dream come true. I think we geneologists get a little sad when we think we have tracked as far as we can go. But the truth is, we are never finished. So far I have over 5000 people on my tree. And onward I go! This morning is the first day in months that I have had the house to myself. I got my coffee, had a sip and sighed at the wonderfulness of it all.
This is me today. You know, I adore my kids. I do! When they were little spending time with them was so much fun but now as they enter their late teens I not only have fun, I learn from them. They make me laugh. They even laugh at my jokes. But god help me, I want five seconds to myself once in a while. Though they are nowhere as needy as when they were little, the needs they have now are so much more time consuming. Yesterday my daughter wanted to have a friend over and have me drive them to the beach, a 20 minute drive and pick them up again. Or they need money for some coveted item. And the infamous, what is there to eat? There are reminders to do homework, wear your retainer, clean the litterbox, let the cat in, turn off the lights...oh, you know. IT NEVER ENDS. One day I am going to look back on these days with longing because my kids really are great people. But there are also times when I just want a few minutes where I do not have to do anything. Yes, I want to do whatever I want when I want to do it. And yes, I feel tremendous guilt for saying this.
I am not fucking June Cleaver and The Beaver and Wally can get their own damn breakfast.
And just in case you have never seen it, here is this.
PS - It took me about an hour to write this post because of interruptions.
Monday, September 02, 2013
It happens so seldom but here is Norbert being cuddly and nice. Notice he is at least a foot away from me? That is how he shows love. Bless his nasty little heart. It has been a hard day for him. First, the evil rabbit scared him and Norbert went tearing through the house like he was on fire. Then I proceeded to clip his claws, a task he despises but sits through grudgingly. I have been cutting his claws since he was a kitten so I think he must not know that he can bite and scratch. He does growl at me and goes all stiff but no biting. It is Labour day and a free weekend to be able to access ship logs on Ancestry.com so that is what I am going to do today. It is actually kind of sucky because last year they had a free access weekend to the entire site.
Today I bought this on Etsy. And I cried. Happy Labour Day!
This morning I got off work at 8:00 and came home, had breakfast, went to bed and slept straight for 11 hours. Vaguely I remember waking up and thinking I should go to the bathroom but I fell back to sleep. Yes, I was very. very tired. Sometimes working nights catches up to me all at once. I have now been awake for 3 hours and headed back to bed. Last year on the anniversary month of my mom's death I don't remember feeling this lost or sad. Maybe I did but I don't think so. It seemed the whole year was hard and when September rolled around it just felt this same. This year tears come to my eyes and grief rolls over me like a wave, knocking me to the ground. I have put time in for time off work (just 3 days) next week but have yet to hear back. It looks like I will get it though. It would be nice because I really need time to work some things out. So, this is it for today. Really, really tired. I just wanted to remind you all that I love you and appreciate you more than you could possibly know. I am very introverted and don't spend a great deal of time talking to humans so blogging is my biggest support. ╭╮╮╮╭╮╮╱╭━━━━━━━╮╱ ╰╰━━╯╯╮╮┃┊THANK⠀U!┊┃ ╭◉┊◉┊╮╮╮┻━━━━━━━╯╱ ╭∴▼∴┊╮╮╮╮╮╮╮╮╮╮ ┃╱ ╭╰┻╯╮╮╮╮┊┊┊┊╭┊┊╭╰╮ ╭╰━╯━━┊╭━━┳━╯┊┊┃┊▲ ┗┻┻━━━━╯╳╳┗┻┻━━╯
Did you all know that a "Double Double" is Canadianese for a coffee with two milk, two sugar? Well, now you do. And this is for you Leeanna. This is me at 1:00 in the morning with my coffee. Actually, I am trying to cut back so this is a large coffee with two milk and one sugar. Yeah, I bet you all want the last 10 seconds of your life back. Anyway, I haven't had the chance to talk to my son. He seemed happier today, I think. Unfortunately, I only saw him in passing because I am working nights. That is the tough thing about working nights. I don't really see my family for 3 days/nights in a row. And we all know how communicative teenagers are. For the most part my kids are actually quite chatty. In fact, I force strongly encourage my kids to go with me when I go out so we can "share" in the "cone of trust" (aka the car). My son always asks if he has to go. That means it is time to start on how I am getting old and don't know how much longer I am going to be around. This is a good way to make your kids feel guilty make them do your bidding. ha!
So, what else. Oh. Right. It was 2 years ago today that my mom went into Palliative care and did not come out.
"The day she went into Palliative care she was so decisive. She had a list of things she wanted to bring. Pillow. Pink robe. Purple blanket. Glasses. Toothbrush. There are not a lot of things you need to take with you to die. Near the end the glasses gave her headaches and brushing her teeth made her tired. The robe hung in the back of the door as a mockery that she would no longer be getting out of bed. I ended up taking it home. Then, the blanket was tossed aside. Too heavy and it hurt her frail body. So it was just her pillow that saw her through to the end. Her pillow." On that cheery note... My word of the night is "Nellevator". It refers to the elevator near Nell's room.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I am trying to post everyday. I wonder if getting things down here will keep the Black Dog away. Probably not. It is worth a try. Usually when I get depressed I will mention it here on my blog but won't go into detail about why I am feeling down. It feels like it is always the same thing and it is redundant to always be writing it down. meh I don't know. Actually, to be honest I am feeling overwhelmed right now. Last night my son (he is 17) told me that he hates everything and he doesn't want to live. He said he is not suicidal. He doesn't to kill himself but he doesn't want to live. Oh, this is a statement only someone with depression can understand fully. We talked for a long time and he told me why he doesn't want to live and I understand, I truly do. He is in his last year of high school. It is the adult world soon and he is totally freaking out. His dad does not help, in fact he makes it worse. Every time my son goes to visit his dad rags on him about getting a job, his drivers licence, better grades and on and on and on. The ironic this is his dad lives in the attic of his mother-in-law's house and only works seasonally as a painter. Maybe he wants better for his son but his dad needs to take some of his own advice at bettering his life and stop trying to live his lost dreams through his kids. And the real pisser is his dad has never taken any interest in his education. He has never once did homework with him. He has never gone to a parent/teacher interview. He has never paid a cent for the private school education my kids are receiving. All that has been done by me. With regards to my son getting his driver's license, I am going to be paying for driving classes. His dad? He doesn't think it is necessary and is a waste of time and money. Anyway, are you still with me? My son is depressed. He feels hopeless and useless. And yes. according to my son I am to blame as well. He thinks I am too critical. Though I understand and accept what he is feeling I am also miffed because I have done everything humanely possible to see that both my kids turn into strong, solid and loving people. I am the one that takes them to/from school everyday, sat up with them when they have been sick, listened and reasoned with them when they have had a bad day, paid thousands for extra-curricular activities and a private education, made meals, scrimped and saved to put meals on the table, did laundry, cleaned the house, driven them places, played with them, disciplined, and loved them. All his dad has done is pay his monthly child support but even that has not been consistent. (Oh, he pays the same amount that he has been paying for 12 years now...$254.00 a months for 2 kids. Nice deal, eh?) So I am totally freaking out and sad and worried. Part of me is terrified but part of me wonders what else I can do. Seriously. What else can I do? My son's father constantly puts him down and I have to deal with it. My son says I am too critical because I expect too much when he does his chores. I am only trying to get my kids to understand what the real word is like! In the real world bosses are a lot more critical than I will ever be. My god, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am going to get my son to a doctor A.S.A.P. and see if there are any hotlines to call. I will do what needs to be done. I am wondering if I can not allow my son to visit his dad. He is 17 and is able to make his own decisions. OK, that is all. I feel so defeated. Where did I go wrong? I am too tired to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. Mental illness is a bitch. And I know this is not all about me. But I still feel crappy about all of it.
That is today. Totally uneventful. I took time off work because I am "legally impaired" for 24 hours. Being impaired sounds fun instead of feeling really tired, which I am. Seriously, I did nothing today except read blogs and sleep. And watch Netflix.
It has been so rainy here. And dark and gloomy. It is time to bring out the S.A.D. lamp. Usually we have nice weather into the beginning of October but drat it all, summer appears to be over. All our tomatoes are still green on the vine.
What is it about being under anesthetic that makes you feel so crappy? And what do they actually do to you when you are under? It feels like I have been given an uppercut to the jaw and my neck and back are sore. I was under for maybe 30 minutes. Did they roll me off the table and down the hall for fun? Were they dropping heavy objects on my body to see how much bounce my fat has? Do the tie me to strings like Mrs. Kwan and use me as a marionette? That actually would be funny. OK, it is 7:35 and late enough to finally go have a bath then go to bed.
Well, I had the cystoscopy today which showed nothing out of the ordinary which is good and not good. Good because that part of my body is fine. Not good because what the hell is going on? Anyway, as always I was doing a blog post in my head the entire time. I arrived at 12:40 and then this is how is went. First I put on the damn gown and was told my surgery was at 2:00. Just over an hour wait, not too bad. Ha! I sat and waited and waited and waited. There was nasty old lady also waiting and reading a book. Friendly Birdie says, "Oh, I loved that book! It is a great series". She curtly replied, "Yeah" and then went back to her book. It was then I decided to not like her because we are both sitting in hospital gowns and it pretty much levels the playing field. The least she could have done was smile. But no. And I also did not like her because her gown was nicer than mine. It was pretty for a hospital gown. It looked like something you would see while SCUBA diving in the Caribbean. And she didn't move at all. I was totally uncomfortable and kept having to rearrange my body every six seconds. Ms. "Better Than Me" woman uncrossed her legs and crossed them again only once. Who does that while sitting for two and a half hours? Sickies that's who. I think she was disgusted with me. Then there was this sound. I think it was the sound of someone's brain being sawed open but I am not sure. It freaked me out but only just a little because it wasn't my brain. 3:30 finally rolls around and by this time I have had nothing to eat or drink for 18 hours. A nurse walked by and I shouted that I was going to get Beriberi or Rickets if I didn't eat soon. OK, I didn't do that but I thought it. No, that is a lie too but I was getting really hungry. It brought some satisfaction that only fat people can get with the knowledge of surviving a partial Ice Age without eating. I have to say that all the staff were just so wonderful, some even downright entertaining and funny. One nurse accidentally lost me because she was not informed that they moved me to a different O.R. We had a good laugh about that because when they moved me I was wondering if they had told her. Anyway, procedure done and woke up all relaxed and without a care in the world. I had to pee but I really didn't give a shit. The lovely nurses gave me not one but two warm blankets and I went back to sleep. After my allotted time I was send home and my was so hungry. My husband made me roast and potatoes with gravy. I ate two helpings So here I am. Groggy and sleepy but not any worse for wear. And I did not steal a hospital gown this time!
The rabbit we are currently looking after is proving to be more diabolical that Norbert. How is that possible? Norbert has met a challenge! My daughter went to feed the rabbit this morning and it actually lunged and tried to bite her. Here it is looking all innocent and cute but it is actually a savage beast.
Here is the rose bush I planted a while back all bloomy and as it should be.
Yes, it is almost time to plant these. Where did the summer go? It goes so much faster than winter. It really does.
Yesterday I had to go get blood work for my cystoscopy tomorrow. The nurse put on this plastic hospital bracelet and told me I had to keep it on until tomorrow. Umm...no. I am not walking around with a hospital bracelet. Everyone will think I am on a day pass from the mental ward. (Which is not an unreasonable thing to think.) Instead I wiggled and bent my hand in half and removed it. Except when I put it back on I put it on upside down and now have to take it off and put it back on again. We got the Sears Christmas Wish Book today. WTF? This is my life, dear friends. This is my life. (Oh, and how am I feeling today? Worse cramps I have had in 25 years. A hysterectomy can't come to soon. After I took a prescription strength pain killer I fell asleep. Other than that I am feeling at about 60%.)
Today I am feeling OK. Actually a little better than OK. About 1% above OK. And that is just divine. Taking into consideration I am having wicked cramps and am PMS-ie that is saying a lot. My apologies to Joe who is (I think) the only male the reads my blog. You must grow weary of our hormone posts.
Anyway...
I am back in the creepy building again and tonight I actually had to go to the basement. It wasn't as terrible as it has been in the past but it feels lonely down there. It is a place dreams are made of. Sad dreams. Anyway, I didn't get hauled off by ghost. I do wonder just how many people have died in this building. No doubt the answer could be in the hundreds.
Anyway...
As I further educate myself of my very low iron and vitamin D I am finding out all sorts of things. Tonight I purchased this product. Organic Unsulphured Molasses. Years ago I learned that it is very healthy, especially for breastfeeding women. I thought I would investigate it again and not only is it high in iron, it is also high in calcium, B-6 and magnesium. It is also considered to help thyroid and hair and nail growth. It is also a healthy "sugar". Seriously, look this stuff up!
To recap because you might be interested but mostly so I don't forget. My Naturopath has me doing this...
Thyroid medication taken the same time everyday 30 minutes before a meal. (She said if I do nothing else, do this.)
I know a lot of you feel like I do. Just lousy all the time. If you have any way of getting to a Naturopath I really encourage you to do so. You can't just do what I (or your sister or neighbor) am doing is doing and expect to feel better. Your situation is unique. I am far, far away from feeling really good but in just over a month I see changes. There are times now when my head isn't in that constant fog. That in itself is amazing.
The only reason I am posting this picture of myself is because it is the first time in many, many years that I have not had acne. I have been plagued with acne since I was 13. That is almost 30 years! I started seeing a naturopath last month and I finally have mostly clear skin. I am at work right now in the creepy building and yes, I am allowed to be online. My job is very quiet when I am here. Anyway, clear skin. Something that everyone else takes for granted but I am doing a happy dance. There is still a lot of scars but I am OK with that. And, as I said before, my cravings for crap foods are disappearing and I am eating healthier foods. Though I have not lost any weight my clothes are fitting looser.
Do you ever have an alter-ego turn up? It doesn't happen to me often but she showed up tonight. When I work nights I often go to the grocery store before my shift. Tonight I grabbed my cart, did my shopping, paid and went to my car. The store was getting ready to close for the night so the cart guy was gathering the carts. I was bringing my cart to the guy and was just going to shove it at the end of the line. I said to him, "Does it go in backwards?" And then I said, "Ha! That's what she said!" The guy started laughing and said he can't say things like that. Then normal me came back and I told him I was really sorry and how inappropriate that was. That just made him laugh harder. I slunk to my car and offered another apology and got in my car. I could still hear his laughter after I closed the door. Ug! What was I thinking?
I just received and award from lovely Leeanna at Can We Have a New Witch Ours Melted. So thank you! I am supposed to come up with 7 things about myself. 1. This February I will have been blogging for 10 years. This is my third blog. I change my blogs when I feel a chapter in my life has closed. My other blogs are still out there on the Internet. 2. I love the Ungrateful Bastard very, very much. He still could care less but I don't mind. 3. I was named after my great grandmother. 4. I have a Snoopy and Woodstock tattoo on my ankle. 5. I often dream about having telekinesis. 6. My family has lived in the same city for 159 years. 7. I can't believe how hard it is to come up with 7 things!
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This Wednesday I have to go to the hospital and be sedated so I can have another cystoscopy. I do not want to be sedated because I know I am going to be tired for days afterwards. I know more surgery is going to be involved. Summer is definitely winding down. Though it was hot today the sun is going down much earlier. It was dark when I left for work this evening. I love the cooler weather. Soon it will be time to have a fire going and wrap up in blankets at night. No need to rush things though. Our winters here in the pacific northwest are long enough.
PS- Suey has either ran away, been stolen or pignapped. She is no longer in the pea patch. I am not offering a reward for her safe return.
I am trying my hardest to post everyday so I have some sort of record to look back on. I then report to my Naturopath. And my god, I love this woman. Gentle, caring and nurturing. She makes me feel that it is OK to not feel OK. So here is the thing. Your blood work can be totally fucked up but unless it is really off your doctor won't catch it. The medical system has guidelines as to what they think is normal. And each test is looked at individually. According to my doctor, my blood work is fine. Except that it isn't. Both my iron and Vitamin D are at the lowest they can can possibly be before they get flagged. Add low iron and low D and you get me. Very, very tired with a crap load of other symptoms. The main symptom is feeling like crap almost every single day. Anyway, she has put me on supplements and she is thinking I will start to feel better in about a month. I am also taking something called Harmony Menopause and 4 doses a day of a high quality fish oil. After being on the Harmony for only a month I am finding my breasts are not as sore and my acne is a teeny bit better. Now, as I work to get my iron and vitamin D to a normal place I am really hoping I start to feel normal. Oh, I also am finding my food cravings are not as intense. Anyway, here is this...OK, never mind My daughter is looking after a bunny for a friend and I went to take a picture of it but my camera battery is dead. Here is this instead. Taken off the Internet so I know I am not alone.
Let me tell you something about bunnies. They are very cute to look at but can be meaner than Old Nick himself. If you just go near her food dish she attacks by lunging at your hand. I am just trying to feed you, you mean fuck. It is scary! When she wants attention she rattles the bars of her cage until you pet her. When you open the cage she will make every attempt to escape and then go way under the bed and wait and will come out in her own time. And the mess! There are trails of sawdust all over the house. My daughter vacuumed late this afternoon and it needs to be done again. Apparently bunnies live 9 or 10 years. And if you don't believe me do a Google search on aggressive rabbits. I should have paid attention when my friend told me she was mean. And who is afraid of a rabbit? Well, I am. I am keeping the door to the room closed because she is right up there with hating as the Ungrateful Bastard. I don't know which one is more evil and malevolent.
I will leave you this in closing. My daughter Skyped me this message. [11:46:59 PM]: When I try putting new sawdust in the cage she lunges back and gives me a dirty look. I guess she doesn't want sawdust in that area.
20 years ago I sort of cringed at the thought of having children. I had always wanted kids but when I started looking at my nieces and nephews I was horrified. These kids were always hopped up on sugar and video games. They screamed until they got their own way. One of them was on Ritalin. They never, ever said thank you for gifts. I loved them but I dreaded seeing them. Another thing that held me back was my step-brother dying when I was 8 and he was 9. His death was unexpected. He went to bed one night a healthy and active boy and was dead the next afternoon.. The autopsy stated, "acute encephalitis". Even though his death happened almost 35 years ago, my dad still misses and aches for his boy every single day. Suffice it to say that I was not really excited about having kids. I knew I wanted a family but there were just so many things that could go wrong. Even having a son scared me because my brother had been totally out of control until he went into recovery when he was 22. My (now ex) husband and I thought we would give it a try. I got pregnant 45 seconds later. I gave birth to a great big son that proved to be an old soul the second I laid eyes on him. The son I dreaded having was a quite boy who loved to do puzzles, read books and watch Dudley the Dragon. He was always a snuggler and would sit for hours with anyone that would take the time to read him a story or play a game with him. He followed me everywhere. He was a total joy and still is. My (now ex) husband and I decided to try again. My son was 13 months old I was still breastfeeding but thought what the hell! I was pregnant 15 seconds later. (We didn't have time for foreplay like the first time. There was a 13 month old in the house.) This time I got my girl. She came out madder than a wet hen. She cried long and loud and did not stop for 2 1/2 years. And breastfeeding! She only wanted breast milk until 18 months. She was a tiny and wiry. She loved her Mama and no one else would do. She was the child that changed everything I thought I knew about the family bed. She would not sleep by herself. She did not just cry. It was a mournful grieving cry. I didn't have it in me to let her cry. She came to sleep beside me. She had a lot of health problems and we had one appointment of another 5 days a week. Both my kids now are growing up. My son is going to be 18. He has a job now and comes home smelling like a man. My daughter is soon to be 16. She has such a strong sense of self. She wants to work with children with disabilities. What I love both about my kids is how close we are. They send me songs and song lyrics. They tell me their problems and their joys. They give me a hug every night before bed. My son will actually give me a hug at school in front of his friends. I have always called them my chickadees. One thing that always makes me smile is just how much they still act like chickadees. When we go grocery shopping they follow me around the store and stay really close. They usually end up tripping over me. It blesses me. Even though they are growing they still want to be with their mom. Another thing I love is they still call me, "Mama". I thought they would give it up years ago but it seems that beautiful tender word is here to stay. Here they both are getting ready to be in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. My son played the Pharaoh.
Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I did not have kids. Who is to say? I just know they are my greatest achievement. Both are kind, gentle and caring souls.I have never had a call from their school with any problems. In fact, I have had calls just to tell me how nice they are. For instance my daughter volunteered 3 lunch breaks a week for 2 years to play with a little girl with Down syndrome. Once I got a call from my son's teacher's aide because she couldn't believe how polite he was. They send thank you notes for gifts received. I raised them many years on my own when we could not afford food never mind cable tv or video games. (Proof that living in poverty can turn into something good.) I am so proud of both of them.
Last night I went to bed tired and woke up even more tired. How is that possible? I got up and was just dragging so had a nap that did nothing to make me feel any better. I haven't even done anything today but my body feels like it has been drained of anything good. My head is in a fog. Everything feels heavy. My heart is missing beats and everything is achy. And of course I am teary and that evil Black Dog of Depression is inside the house. He is sitting on my lap. I hate him.
I just wish I had more support for days like these. My husband has barely talked to me and won't when I get like this. He doesn't understand how much worse it makes it. He gets angry when I am down. I used to try to talk to him but have sort of given up on that because he just gets angrier. When I am fine, he is fine. Seriously, right now my chest hurts so much I feel like I am having a heart attack. The tears running down my cheeks tell me otherwise. Not a heart attack, just anxiety and depression. I saw my Naturopath today and it is nice to have someone understand and not think I am just a pain in the ass or making this up. It turns out my Vitamin D and iron and really, really low but she thinks stress is causing the majority of my problems. Anyway, I have nothing else to say. So very tired.
At this very moment I am hormonal and cranky. My naturopath had me keep track of my cycle this month and let me tell you, day 22 is not a happy one. I wanted to do some self-care today but the whole day has been housework and caring for other people and things. In 30 minutes my daughter wants me to drive her to youth group then pick her up again at 9:00. I don't want to. But I will because I have nice kids and I hope to keep them that way. She could be out running around with bad kids but instead she is going to a church sponsored youth group. Oh, but I am so tired and just want to stay home. Even writing these words is taxing and going to bed right now at 6:05 sounds so nice.
It is 1:45 a.m and I have just woken up from a nightmare. To silly to write down but definitely full of scary things that had me covered in sweat. Trying to come to wakefulness as one comes to the surface of water, a large gasp when you make it. Actually, it is not silly that dream. It is just too upsetting to write about and think about again. It makes me too vulnerable. I don't like vulnerable. My whole life I have been told that I am too sensitive so sharing a nightmare makes me vulnerable. Instead I have soothed my self with food. Ramen noodles and a cup of hot chocolate. Ramen noodles have to be the unhealthiest food on the planet but my grandma used to make them for me when I was little. It is funny because my cousin Derek still eats them in private. Grandparents have all sorts of ways of keeping up close after they leave this planet.
I forgot to mention that I finally put up my cuckoo clock and she is working fine. I lock her in at night and let her out again in the morning. She prefers this so she can get a good night sleep instead of having to get up every 1/2 hour. Well, that is it. I am going to have my Ramen noodles and hot chocolate then have a hot bath. I will then attempt to sleep. Stay tuned later today for a post on Norbert's birthday party!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Here is Norbert's favourite place, inside a laundry basket. He is doing his "devil eyes" here.
Driving to work tonight was not enjoyable. It is down an old country road with a speed limit of 60 km. I go about 70 but unless you go 90 you get tailgated. There is never any police radar so you can go however fast you want. And everyone wants to go faster than I go. I have always been a cautious driver and have never had a speeding ticket. But these asses that drive fast piss me off. Slow down, people! I always end up pulling over so they can go by. I have been so tired the last few days. I wish I could just sleep and sleep and sleep. PMS is part of the problem but I also just need a holiday. Doing palliative care is so draining. And the fact I work nights makes it even more draining. I don't really remember the last time I did any self-care. I can't even think of anything to do if I did. Is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
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