Finally...

Is is strange to be glad that my mom is finally in Palliative care?  I won't even go into what went on yesterday.  I will just say yesterday was the worst day so far for all of us.  The doctor took in upon himself to tell her that she only had a few months to live.  First off, we had specific conversations with the doctor that this conversation would happen at a later date.  The second problem was he told her when nobody else was with her.   How bad is your bedside manner to tell someone they have months to live with no support person present?  Again, we specifically told the doctor that we wanted to be present for this.  My mom was devastated.  She was thinking she had about a year, not "months".  To piss me off all the more, this was not even the palliative doctor that told her this, it was her surgeon.  In my opinion he should have left the telling up to the palliative doctor with family present.  


So, what is this? The "anger" part of grief? Anyway, as of this afternoon, my mom is now on the palliative ward where she will have people around her that can deal with this in a loving and professional way. I already spoke to the palliative nurse who gave me reassurance.  My mom's room is private and looks out to a garden.  


As for me, I woke up and took the kids to school today then came home, shut my bedroom door and went back to sleep for four hours.  I have been reading blogs ever since.  I even cleaned the two bathrooms and put in a load of laundry.  I am feeling quite clear headed today. I am coming down with a bit of a cold but I am taking some Cold-Fx and Oil of Oregano.  Now I am off to pick up my kids and to the post office because my books have arrived. Whooot!

I want to thank those of you that stop by and leave messages and even of those of you that are "lurking' but sending your positive energy and prayer to my mom and our family.  I really can feel it and it makes my heart full.

PS- The above cartoon actually made me giggle.  :-)

Still Waiting

My mom was to be transferred to palliative care yesterday or today but I have heard nothing.  I have been waiting since yesterday for a call from the Palliative doctor but it has not come.  For some odd reason my dad has turned off his cell so I can't get a hold of him either.  I called the hospital three times yesterday and did not receive any answers.  And I am so damn tired.  I was up early this morning to take my kids to school and I found my eyes closing while driving.  I have booked tomorrow and Friday off work but I have to work today.  I have no money saved for a time like this.  (You can thank our Conservative government for that. They have forced low wages on us for over a decade.  But that is a story for another day.)   So, I start work in 20 minutes and all I want to do is sleep.  Actually, all I want it for my mom to be well.  She turns 65 on Thursday.  Mother's day is on Sunday.  Both will be bitter-sweet.  There will be no more birthdays, no more Mother's days.  I hate that.  My emotions and "stages of grief" go back and forth as I breathe. Right now I am just numb with the acceptance because I am helpless.  My mom remains drugged to the hilt and is not in pain at the moment and can't stay awake for more than a minute or two.  

*sigh*

That sound seems to come from so many of us today. What are we supposed to be feeling?

How are we to feel about Bin Laden? I do not rejoice in his death. I am a pacifist and do not believe war is the answer. I will not return hate for hate, I won't. My kids are asking questions, good questions that challenge me. "But isn't it good that he is dead?" No, son this was not what God wanted for him. This is not what God wants for us. There is a better way. You have to live peace.

What encourages me is that every blog I have read today has the same idea.  We all want peace.  We ~sigh~ and we try to understand but maybe that is what immobilizes us. Have we given up on peace?  Should we?  I think not.  Tomorrow when you go out in the world be kind and forgiving to one another.  Look people in the eye. Love one another.

When I die I want five simple words printed on my headstone, 

"Be Good To One Another"

I plan to live this until my last breath.  I will not allow the evil on this planet to dismay me!  Do not let it dismay you!  Be of good courage, dear ones.  Be of good courage. 

So, I post this video. 

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.  Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.  Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Update - I have just learned that this quote is not from MLK jr.  It spread like wildfire on the internet today and I did not confirm its validity.  My mistake.  Sorry.  The sentiment it true.  

"Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong" - Mahatma Gandhi                              

And Another Day Finished

I don't want to post today.   So far, blogging does not seem to help and at this point I highly doubt I will ever want to read this again.  The kids and I went to see my mom this morning.  She is looking very tired.  She is still in denial.  How can you say goodbye when the person you are saying goodbye to doesn't know they are going anywhere?   Tomorrow or Tuesday will be arranging of Palliative care.  I have to work tomorrow but will just have to leave work early as I want to be there to help make decisions.  
Personally, I am just feeling a sad numbness today.  I slept most of the day.  I got up to make dinner and do a bit of housework but I am going to be going to bed early tonight.  My heart is physically aching.  I feel like my spirit has been vacuumed out of me.  Even while writing this post I have had to stop several times to rest and put my head down on my desk.  I am also thinking ahead to her funeral and how I want to honour her but nothing I could do or say could ever come close to that.  She is an amazing woman.  I believe we all learn many lessons in this life but one lesson she never had to learn was loving and giving abundantly of herself.  Anyone who ever met her knew this.  Our world is going to be less one amazing and truly giving person.  I don't understand why God takes the beautiful ones.  Tonight I don't even want to think about why because there are no answers.  It is a question that we all ask when some truly beautiful person leaves us too soon.  I am glad that God is all loving and has broad shoulders because I am angry at Her right now.  Even though, I still feel loved and that I am nestled tight to her bosom.   
In other events, my sister's baby is still tucked safe inside her.  My sister and her husband lost a baby through miscarriage this year so we want this baby to stay safe where she belongs.  She is at 33 weeks now.  I also ask for a safe and healthy delivery for both my sister and  the baby girl inside her. 


Namaste

My Day

I guess the time has come when I will eventually have to tell people.  I am not ready for that but people need to know.  I ran into my beautiful aunt today and she asked how I was and I started crying and had to tell her.  She gave me the tightest most wonderful hug, transferring part of her strong faith to me.  She also gave me a handkerchief which I will keep with me to remind me the love of my family and how they with hold me and my mom up in prayer and in love.  I am blessed.  Abundantly so.


I had a dream last night that my mom had died.    I woke up crying.  I took an Ativan and went back to sleep.  I slept until noon.  After I woke up my finance and I went to feed the ducks in "our" new backyard.  (It doesn't belong to us exclusively, it belongs to the city but I am going to call it "mine" or "ours")  There were not many ducks.  I guess they are sitting on their nests waiting to bring new life into the world.  Click to "imbiggen" the pictures!

 My Waterfall

 My flower

 My Trillium

 Another part of my waterfall

 My bumpy tree. This tree really is mine now simply because I love it.  I gave it a pat today when I walked by.  I think I will actually give it a name and hug it every time I walk by.  I am from the Pacific Northwest and tree hugging is a normal thing to do. I see a rabbit in this tree.  Do you?  Any ideas for names? Maybe "Bunnie".  

 My Indian paintbrush.

 My favourite tree is the Weeping Willow.  I can't get to this tree to hug it but I will love it just the same.  It needs a name too.  I think I will call her Willow.

 A duck resting in the sun. He might have a wife but he is mine too! 

 We sat for a long time in our new backyard.  It was rejuvenating.  I am so grateful for the ducks, trees, flowers and waterfalls.  

Namaste

Introducing...Grief

I had to tell my kids tonight.  I mean, they already knew.  I have done my best as a mom to prepare them for this over the last few years. But tonight I had to tell them that Nana's  time on earth is coming to an end.  But how can I prepare them when I am not prepared myself? My daughter is 13 and has tears but she deals with things differently than I do.  She is strong. Or maybe she is just not  understanding the finality of it all.  My son is 15 and has always been a wise person.  My son who now towers over me.  My son who has such strength of character sobbed.  He initially hid his grief.  Once when he was a young boy I decided to clean his room and get rid of some of his stuffed toys.  I went looking for him 20 minutes later and couldn't find him.  He was hidden wrapped up with all the stuffed toys and crying.  He was not ready to let them go.  Tonight when I told him that Nana was nearing the end he did much the same thing.  He went into the bathroom and quietly gave way to his grief.  I called him out and asked him to come and sit with me.  He at first refused, he wanted to hide his grief.  He came from the other room, eyes red and tears streaming down his face.  My tall strong son, broken.  I put my arms around him and told him he did not need to hide away the hurt.  We sat for several minutes and now he is in bed.  I can hear him sniffing.  My mother heart wants to go to him and tell him everything is going to be ok.  But, it isn't going to be okay.  This is going to cause pain for a long time, maybe for the rest of his life as Lana can attest to.    I realize one of the awful lessons we need to each our children is how to hurt, how to grieve.  It is a hard lesson.  But it is my job to teach them to open their hearts and allow the pain to flow out.  


Namaste

Palliative

I spoke to my mom's nurse today and asked how things were really going.  Now it is just about pain control.  The nurse will speak to her doctor when he does his rounds this evening about moving her to the Palliative ward.  
When I spoke to the nurse I was bewildered.  I kept thinking, "I am too young to be having this conversation. You need to be speaking to someone else."  But I am old enough.  It is just when it comes to my mom and dad I have always been the child.  They have always taken care of everything.  They are the strong ones!  It feels like I am not old enough to be making life and death decisions. But I am.  I don't know how to do this!  Why is it that everyone else out there has their shit together and can deal with this hell?  I sure can't.  This whole battle I have felt three years old.  I am not dealing with this with "dignity, grace and acceptance". 
At any rate, I spoke to the nurse and actually requested she move to the palliative ward.  I actually requested she not be sent home to die.   And I feel like a shit for that.  What kind of person prefers to request that her mother die at the hospital?  I don't know what is right.  All I care right now that she will come to some sort of peace as she is very depressed right now.  
And I asked God that she does not have to lay in bed for days with that awful death rattle.  Please, not that.  
I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  I am not ready to say good bye and yet I can't handle to see her suffer.  Yes, I do know what I feel!  I want her to be healthy and well.  I want more time wih her.  I want my mom for another twenty Mother's days.  Her birthday is May 5.  I want her here for twenty more of those too.  But, who ever promised we could get what we want in life.
My god, this hurts so bad. Tears come faster than I can wipe them away. I sob. I can't breathe. 


Namaste

My Mind is Blank

I am without words.  Well, actually I have a lot but I  don't want to think about them right now.  So, instead I will share my talismans.   I don't really think of them as "good luck" but having these things in my life makes me happy.  All of them are small and did not cost much but what they signify tells it all. (Click on pictures to imbiggen!)

~My books mean a lot to me, especially ones on my Quaker beliefs.  In the pile is, "The Road to Mecca" because I understand Helen or rather, she understands me.  

~My worry dolls sleep in a drawer beside my bed.  Lately I have been taking them out and putting them on my bed stand.

 ~There is a piece of Rose Quartz on a necklace from a family friend that died from ALS.  

~My crow stickers, the newest addition to my treasures.

~A piece of Amethyst

 ~My Angel and Fairy cards.

~An Ovarian cancer pin given to me by a woman about my age that lost her mother to Ovarian cancer. 

~Three rings.  A mood ring for fun, a ring from my great aunt and my 16th birthday ring from my mom and dad.  

~Chocolate!  Organic and dark!  

~My sketch book for drawing out what I am feeling any particular day. 

~My purple lavender sleep stones. 

~ A Mandala book.

~The Velveteen Rabbit.

 ~ A book of poetry written by the same Aunt that gave me the ring.  

~My pencil crayons in an Emily Carr (my favourite artist and author) tin. 

~One of my favourite books right now, Life is a Verb.  

~Not in this picture is every book written by Emily Carr.  I also have some of her prints.

  ~The blue scarf is something I picked up simply because I love the colour.  

~This is my cat Norbert.  He is not a thing.  I love him very much and he offers a lot of love when he is not being a cranky ornery cat.  Which is his job. 

~And the things that you can't see are the people in my life that I hold so close to my heart it hurts.  

Namaste

Time Away

My fiancé and I went away this weekend.  We both needed the time away. 

Spring had arrived.

 Someone doesn't understand what being green means.  That is almost a sin here on the west coast. 

I made another cat friend.  I have made a lot of cat friends in my travels. 

I went into Chinatown where I bought come CD's and an amethyst that I can squeeze my grief into.

I found a message for all of us on some steps.  

I found some seagulls to love.

I love crows too.  Because someone has to.

I searched for a four-leaf clover so  I could make a wish.
  I didn't find one. 

We went to different book stores where I cried in the death and grieving section.  A thought came to me while standing there that maybe if I never moved again my mom would not be able to die.  I cried on the way home because I am returning to something I am not ready to deal with.  I returned to my kids and my cat.  And life continues even if I don't want it to.


Namaste

  

The Pendulam

I have been swinging back and forth with emotion.  I am feeling more centered now. Reiki helps.  I have been meditating, focusing on love in this great and powerful universe. This, as painful as it is, is a small blip on what God has planned.  I can't begin to understand it. I have tried.  On a bigger picture we all try every day to make sense of our universe.  We want to understand.  I have raged at God.  But as of yet, I or nobody else has been given an answer as to why bad things happen.  Maybe we need to pour all our focus on the good things, the love.  Many us read others blogs because we want to connect and love others.  We also want to be loved. I know I have received that  already. I feel your love and Reiki energy all around me.  How beautiful is that? So many of us, so different, but our energy is the same. It goes deep and can't be described in words. It is so ultimately perfect and good.  It is good.  There is evil and bad all around us but wow, the good is so good.  


Namaste


Here is one of my meditation songs I have been listening to.