Lucy Raises Chickens

As promised, one of my favourite I Love Lucy episodes. It is not the funniest but I think it was of the crazier idea the show came up with.

I had a hair colour disaster last night. It went way too dark. I need to figure out how to fix it!

I never did get to see my mom today. My aunt goes and then my mom is too tired for visitors. She fell again. My dad will speak to the palliative nurse and see about lowering her pain medication. My kids and I just had a lazy Sunday. I slept a good part of the day. I am not physically tired so much but emotionally I am wiped. When I am sleeping I don't have to think about being sad. I know it is unhealthy escapism but I don't have the energy to care. And so, it is time to get ready for bed.

I've Always Wanted to Look Like a Chrysanthemum!

Today I dragged my sewing machine out to do some alterations on my daughters's Highland dance dresses. I have not used my machine in years and had forgot how to thread the thing. I did get one hem done but not I am just tired so put it away.

My hair has been bugging me. It is so thick and curly right now and it is in need of a colour. So as I sit and blog I wait for the colour to process. It made me think of the above "I Love Lucy" episode. Lucy is trying to save money so she decides to make a new dress instead of buying one. She uses a razor blade to cut through the dress fabric because all she has are nail scissors. She also decides to perm her own hair but she forgets about it. So funny!

I have not had much of an opportunity to mention it but I am an I Love Lucy fan. I own every episode on DVD including seasons 7, 8 & 9 which were hour long episodes rather than half hour. They are even funnier! Anyway, my timer is on and I won't leave my hair colour on for five hours!

My mom is about the same. She fell today but did not hurt herself. My aunt (her sister) went to see her but my mom forgets. My kids and I will stop by tomorrow and I believe my brother-in-law is going too.


PS - I will try to post my favourite I Love Lucy segment of all time tomorrow.  

Blogger!

Writing is my free therapy right so when Blogger is down I get stressed.  I need to post and I need to read your blogs.  It keeps me grounded.

So, not much has changed.  My mom asks every time she wakes up if she is dying.  She is forgetting.  My dad was telling her that yes you are but I love you and I am going to be with you every moment.  She would cry and my dad would comfort her.  But now it just seems cruel to tell her over and over. 

I went to Reiki yesterday.  I seriously wish I could go everyday because it is the only time where I feel at peace.  

OK, something funny.  My daughter currently plays the flute.  I rent her instrument as buying it outright is quite expensive and she was talking about giving it up.  Anyway, I had not paid the bill and it is past due.  I got a bill today and it said, "Dear Bad Parent"!  Or at least that is what I thought it said.  It actually said, "Dear Band Parent".  I think my guilt speaks in curious ways.  

 It is getting more and more difficult to post.  My heart has never hurt this much.  I have never been this afraid.  
I spent the day with my mom but she slept all day.  I wanted to give my dad a chance to go out and get some air.  The morning was speaking with Palliative nursing care and making decisions.  We have decided that my mom will stay at home but will go into the hospital to die. There she can receive 24 hour care that we can't give to her.  She will also be more comfortable.  I also spoke with Hospice this afternoon.  More decisions. Though my mom knows she is dying she is in a lot of denial but the last 2 days she has been coherent enough to know she is getting worse and she asked me outright today is she was dying.  I had to call Hospice and ask how exactly you tell someone she is dying.  


I spent the day filling out insurance forms, checking her e mails and talking to my dad.  My dad and I made the decision to take her off the antibiotics the doctor prescribed because they are only causing vomiting at this point and not even getting digested.  So, what good is even trying?


I am so tired tonight and I need to sleep. Thank you for all your comments.  They help.  They do.


After you read this post go tell at least one person that you love them 


Namaste

Landslide

I know I seem to have a lot to say on this blog.  Words actually come easy to me.  I am not afraid to show my emotions.  But, during the last few weeks I am often without words.  There are four lines in this song that describe very well for what it is like for me to lose a parent.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh, oh I don't know, oh I don't know

I don't know if my heart  will ever be able to rise above this.  Maybe, maybe not.  I do know when I look at my own reflection I will know that my mom is all around me.  A big part of the who I am is because of her.


It seems things are progressing quickly and  I don't know how much longer she has.  She wants me there but she just cries or sleeps.  She has not come to any peace with her own dying.  I pray for this. I am going to talk to the doctor to see if there is something to take the edge off. Nobody should have to die like this.   It is cruel. 

I want to thank all of you for the comments.  I actually check my blog several times a day just to read the comments because they help sustain me.  Namaste. 

Landslide lyrics

Songwriters: Nicks, Stevie;

Took this love and I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

And can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older I'm getting older too

Yes I'm getting older too, so

I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I, I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

I'm getting older too oh yes

I'm getting older too

So, take this love, take it down

Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

Well well, the landslide will bring you down

Sweet Adelines

Sometimes there are blessings that just knock your socks off.  My mom is a member of Sweet Adelines. They are a highly respected worldwide organization of women singing barbershop harmony.  Because chemo has had it's way, my mom has not been able to sing for a few years now but tonight her local chapter is coming to sing for her.  Wow!  I was so touched that they would do this.  My mom has a lot of friends.  I mean a LOT.  When she turned 60 I put on a birthday party for  her.  As we went through the invite list she had over 100 women, not including family.  I think my mom has kept in contact with every single person she met since she was about five years old!  How she did that I will never know.  She always made time for every one and always spilled her love to everyone she met.  My mom is full of light and love. There is nothing about her to dislike!  I am serious.  She has only two people she disliked in her life.  One of them was a "friend" that ended up making advances on my dad.  Still even then my mom would not speak ill of her in front of many people.
So, tonight my mom will be graced with a group of woman singing for her.  Just for her because she is loved immensely.  I am not sure how they are all going to fit in my parents tiny 900 sq. foot home but if they need to stand on tables we will fit them all in.  I am going to video it with my camera and I hope that it will turn out nice enough to post.  Yes, we are blessed.  Give out love and it is returned to you a thousand fold.


Namaste 


And here is the link.  They talk a bit in the beginning and for some reason it cuts out.  Oh, well.  The amazing part is the song they chose is a mirror of my post.  Here they are singing, "Can You Feel the Love?"
I can feel the love and it is so good...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhJ4bgE7id4

Gartan Mother's Lullaby

I have 2 posts for Mother's day so there is another one below this one. 


I don't know, this song seems appropriate for my mom so I changed the written lyrics. 

Garten Mother's Lullaby

Sleep, my mom, for the red bee hums
The silent twilight falls
Eavell from the gray rock comes
To wrap the world in thralls

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy
My love and heart's desire
The crickets sing you a lullaby
Beside the dyin' fire

Dusk has come and the green man's horn
Is wreathed in rings of fog
Shivrah sails his boat till morn
Along the starry bog

And over it all the paley moon
Has gleamed her cusp in dew
And weeps to hear the sad sleep tune
I sing, oh love, to you

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy

My love and heart's desire

The crickets sing you a lullaby

Beside the dyin' fire

The Green Man - it is said if you see him in the morning, "no ill follows"; but if at night, death or some other terrible misfortune will surely overtake you. He is sometimes called Fear Liath, or the Grey Man.

Eavell is a meaning of time.
Shivrah is a fairy. 


Namaste

Mother's Day

Tomorrow I will go to my mom and dad's and spend my mom's last  Mother's day with her.  I am  writing her a letter as no gift will ever express my overflowing heart.  I have been blessed to have her.  So blessed.  
I will rub and kiss my sister's belly and send my love to my new niece who is waiting to begin her life.  And so it goes.  
  


Namaste

Going Home - Do Not Resuscitate

As fast as she went into palliative care at the hospital my mom is now being sent home for out-patient palliative care.  Her pain is managed and she is going home to spend the final weeks sleeping beside my dad at night.  I am sure they have a lot to say to each other in the privacy of their home. 
The doctor was going over the forms with me this morning and mentioned the Do Not Resuscitate order and that is when cancer has yet again slapped me in the face.  It does not get any more final that that.  
I don't know what the positive in all this is.  I do know I am thankful that I have had my mom for 40 years.  The Carnista lost her battle this week with Ovarian cancer and leaves behind two boys, 9 & 6.  That is beyond cruel.  I suppose at the end of the day I should be grateful that I have had her for 40 years  but I am still angry.  I have a great uncle (87)  that is a drunk.  He drinks and drives. He smokes and his fingers are black.  He has a "thing" for young men and boys.  He sickens me.  I have a client that is and angry uncaring man.  His family has disowned him.  He is a former Nazi and still takes time to bash "the Jews" and everyone else on the planet that is not from Germany.  He is full of hate.  I look after several old ladies that spend  their days in wheel chairs, completely demented.  Everything is done for them.  The sit in front of the TV for hours on end.  No quality of life.  And do I actually have to admit I am in the bargaining stage of grief right now?  Take them God.  My sweet mother is still needed and loved here.  She and my dad are crazy in love.  I need her.  Who is going to counsel me now?  Who is going to love me like only a mom can?  My kids need her.  She loves them more than life itself.  A grandparents love is a very special thing.  Both my mom and dad have spent a lot of time with my kids over the years.  There were times when I was working and in school that they saw them more than I did.  My kids have gone camping with them. They fished, roasted marshmallows and played endless games of cards.  That is over now.
I guess now I have no choice but to begrudgingly accept it.  It? Her dying.  
I am hoping my words make sense because I am too tired and just don't care to proofread. 

65

Well, as of today my mom made it to 65.  Well whoopdefuckingdingdong (not a word according to the spell check.) She spent this milestone in palliative care eating a diabetic meal that she hated and didn't finish.  And she joked with a sadness that she wouldn't be here for 66.  Don't misunderstand. Please don't.  Every day she is here is a good day.  But it is coming to the point where the line between living a life that has quality is clouded by a crappy life where you don't know if the fight is worth it any more.  
Ironically, I ran into one of my life-long friends while on the palliative ward. Her father-in law has cancer.  She already lost her dad 4 years ago this month to the monster. 
I hate cancer.  I hate it. It takes.  It is evil.  It is insidious and sneaky.  It gives you hope then rips it from your grasp.  And I see the amount of money going to stupid shit like making movies and fighting wars that can't be won.  I see money being thrown at the feet of hockey players and football stars.  And people keep dying... 


(My apologies for my morose writing tonight.  I actually feel OK in a way.  I went to Reiki today.  I am just tired.)