So, Now What?

If you haven't read this post yet you will need to so you can understand today's post.


Never Give Up!  But what happens when you have to give up?This morning the reality of what is happening is hitting me.  This could be the thing that finally kills my mom.  It is weird. Cancer is so evil it also creates other sicknesses and diseases.  If cancer doesn't kill you, it will create something that will.  If that doesn't work there is always the chemotherapy.  That does a lot of people in too.  I know there are a lot of survivors.  But that will not be the case for my mom.  So, how do you give up?  We are taught in our society to never give up anything.  Be strong!  Be courageous! Be brave!  But we can't be those things anymore.  My family has to accept reality.  Seriously, it would be easier NOT to give up. Giving up is the hard part.  


And later that day...


What a horrible thing to sit across from your mom's surgeon and have him tell you she has 2 or 3 months left.  WTF?  WHAT? WHAT! WHAT??!!  I am numb right now.  My body's natural shit kicking in to protect me from pulling off my clothes and going out onto the lawn of the hospital and cursing God.  Who the hell do you think YOU are God?  She turns 65 on May 5th. You ASS God!  WHY? WHY! I want to know WHY! TELL ME!  Why not purge the world of its many assholes?  I swear, there was some shit-for-brains young kid in a sports car parked in a handicapped spot tonight at the grocery store.  Take that useless piece of shit!  People that park in handicapped spots when they don't need them are a breed all their own.  We don't need them here but I need my mom GOD DAMN IT!  


My mom was diagnosed 3 months after she retired.  She has always been the sweetest most loving mom that I could have ever asked for.  When the surgeon told her we cried.  I crawled into the hospital bed with her and we cried together.   She first asked me to look after my dad.  (I will Mom, I will.)  She worried about my kids. Having grand kids, she says is the best thing that has ever happened to her.  I told her I would be OK.  But I won't.  Yet, I guess I have no choice.  This is too surreal.  


Namaste

Bad News

My mom has had cancer for six years.  She was initially diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.  This week she has not been doing very well and ended up in the hospital today.  The best that can come out of this is she has to have her bowel removed and will need to wear a bag,  You can guess what the worse case will be. 
I am weary of this disease and what it has done to our family.  We used to be so close but because of this insidious disease we can no longer spend much time together because my mom's frail health.  Cancer has taken away my mom piece by piece. It has taken away our family piece by piece.   Our story has never been one of those hopeful stories you hear about where there is courage and bravery.  It has been cruel and awful every step of the way. 
This is what it has been like for me... When I was three I lost my mom in the shopping centre.  I felt unbelievable fear and my whole world fell apart for those five minutes.  I found her again of course.  But now at forty, I know I will never get back that feeling of relief to be welcomed back into her arms and feel safe again.  The pain and fear just goes on and on.  I am three again. I want my mom. 


Namaste


Update (Monday night) -  So the diagnosis was correct.  She has a large tear in her bowel and needs surgery right away. But,  she is too weak to undergo any such surgery.  Blood transfusion tomorrow morning and the internist and oncologist will see from there.  It is a Catch-22.  She needs the surgery or she will die.  She can't have the surgery because she is too weak and will die. I hate cancer.  I  hate it.  I am told we should not have the word hate in our vocabulary.  Those people have never known cancer. 

Snatam Kaur - Ong Namo

I am not Sikh. I am not even sure what Sikh's believe exactly.  I guess I should. I am a Quaker. I do not go to a temple, church or other holy place. I worship at home. Listening to this artist pour her heart out to her creator makes me realize all of us are wanting to see the face of God. We all want the same. So simple. 


Namaste


Oh my beloved
Kindness of the heart 
Breath of life I bow to you
And I'm coming home,
And I'm coming home
And I'm coming home, 
And I'm coming home
Oh my beloved 
Kindness of the heart
Breath of life,
I bow to you
Divine Teacher Beloved Friend
I bow to you Again and again!
Lotus sitting on the water (Guru dev guru dev namo) 
Beyond time and space (Guru dev guru dev namo)
This is your way (Guru dev guru dev namo) This is your grace (Guru dev guru dev namo) 
Ong namo guru dev namo Ong namo
This is your way Guru dev namo This is your way..

I Should be Posting but...

I have nothing to say.  All I do lately is clean my home so it is ready for viewing.  My (slightly evil) teenagers go around and mess it up on purpose.  I am convinced of this. I got up this morning and there are bits if stuff everywhere.  When this happened is beyond me but it must have happened in the night while I was sleeping. 


Getting my haircut today.  I am going to colour it tonight as my roots have not been this long in years. How lame am I?  Blogging about roots is hitting the bottom of the barrel.  According to Hollywood roots are in. Is that a joke?  That is worse than the Friday song.  OK, no it isn't but roots are bad. 

Later that day...  I hate my hair.  I had it cut and now I look like a poodle.  From Annie to a shorn poodle in less than an hour.  *sigh*


Namaste

My Favourite Song Ever!

Little Boxes by Malvina Reynolds

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same,
Theres a pink one & a green one
And a blue one & a yellow one
And they are all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
And theres doctors & lawyers
And business executives
And they are all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university
Where they´re put in boxes
And they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business
And marry & raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same,
Theres a pink one & a green one
And a blue one & a yellow one
And they are all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

Major Hair Removal Needed!

Finally, finally, finally I have my home ready to be listed.  I had my realtor here this afternoon and signed the papers.  Whooot! I have worked so hard to get it ready to show. I am exhausted but happy it is done. I am looking tired and neglected.  I am not kidding, my hair looks like Annie's.  My eyebrows are so overgrown I look like Groucho Marx but not in a good funny way, but in a scary frightening way.  


Looking forward to some time to stare at the wall this weekend.  I missed Reiki this week trying to get everything ready and I am feeling it.  I am feeling overwhelmed and I am having panic attacks in the morning.  bah.  Had some not great news from my mom with her last cancer check but I am no going there in my head and just hoping it is nothing. 


Just wanted to do a quick check-in post.  I am so weary I have no new thoughts on anything.  


Namaste

Holy smokes is it loud in my place tight now!  I have the tub doctor here drilling a hole in my tub, I have the Citrus-O Carpet guy here cleaning my carpets. I am sitting on my island (my bed) and staying out of their way.  I  am craving a cold Coke but I can't go and get one *sob*  Would you think less of me for calling my dad and asking me to bring me an icy cold Coke?  Because I did.  In my defense, he is just down the road and he wants to check that Tub Guy and Carpet Guy are doing.  He wants to make sure their are doing a good job and not ripping his beloved daughter off.  He has a major Coke addiction (about a Litre a day) where as mine is only a minor one that comes on once every few weeks and just a can satisfies.  
Lots going on here as you can tell.  I had someone on this morning to measure for new linoleum.   


OK,  a moment to digress. I had my cat in his crate because he is does not like people and noises scare him. . He is sitting his crate and I thought I would let him out to sit on my lap.  BAD idea.  He freaked out and started to run and went right over my laptop.  He ripped the "T" right off!  I can't get it back on. *sigh*

Anyway, my Coke is here now and I feel happy again.  Cat is still terrified.  Poor baby.  I want to take him out and comfort him but that would probably not be a great idea as I may never see him again.  He is so scared right now he would probably end up Tabouleh's and she is in Thailand.  That is about  7396.52 miles or  11903.55 km. He would likely take a leap from my bed and fly the whole way.  So, Tabouleh, if a grey tabby cat shows up a your door, he belongs to me and he goes by the name Norbert.




Namaste

What a crazy week this has been!  Where do I start? 


I have been doing renovations on my home so everything here is in a huge mess.  I had painters here this week.  My home is slowly coming out of a disaster zone.  As my mom says, It looked like The wreck of the Hesperus! Instead of just putting everything back where I found it I have done a major de-clutter.  If it didn't get thrown in the garbage or recycled it went to this giant exchange that takes just about anything usable or that can be fixed.  It is a junk collectors dream and it is a declutterers dream.  You can take stuff that is not in great shape but not ready for the garbage and people come along and buy it for cheap.  For instance, I got rid of kids toys with missing parts.  At the same place you can also recycle anything.  Batteries, glass, Styrofoam, plastic, paper, CD's, metal...everything except # 6 plastic!  I live in the Pacific Northwest and most of us are pretty Green.  The place I am speaking of is always very busy.  It is open 364 days a year 12 hours a day.  I love it!  Anyway, I have digressed, yet again.




And... dah dah dah!  We bought a home!  It came on the market and did not even get a chance to be fully listed.  We went to see it and put an offer in immediately. It is PERFECT!  It has a huge yard so we can plant a garden!  Eeeeeeeeeeee!  It is near a protected provincial park and there is a river and waterfall nearby.  And, get this.  I have always had a dream of having a pottery studio and this home has an attached storage which I can potentially turn into a studio! We had an inspector come in today and there were some issues with the roof.  We need to look into that but if everything goes well all the conditions come off Wednesday.  Move in date is June 24!  Yay!

Onto other things. Thanks to Ethel for the Stylish Blogger Award.  With this award I am supposed to come up with seven tidbits about myself then pass this award on to ten other people.


1.  I love snakes, spiders and other assorted legged and winged creatures. 


2.  I use The Diva Cup and recommend that every woman uses one.  I would never go back to using any other feminine product if you paid me.  They are environmentally friendly and I have not had to put out a penny into having my period since I started using it.  

3.  I am a history buff and really enjoy genealogy.  I have pictures in my living room of my great, great, great, great, great grandparents.  Last year I found where they were buried.  How cool is that? 

4.  I have been blogging on and off for about seven years.  This is my third blog. I have changed blogs because I felt like I grew out of my old blogs. I still have two original readers.  Catherine and Kelly.  


5.  I  "suffer" from severe anxiety but I am not really a worrier.  I just have these bizarre panic attacks where a feeling of dread comes over and immobilizes me.  They happen in the morning just after I wake up.  I am learning to live with them.  I wish they were not a part of my life but I think I am a better person because of them.  

6.  I am a recovering hoarder.  I was |<   >|  this close from possibly needing to seek professional help.  It has taken me many years and a lot of hard work to live in my relatively clutter-free home. I did it on my own.  I am proud of this achievement!


7.  I believe my grandmothers are my guardian angels and I can feel them with me.   




If you read my blog, you can consider yourself tagged!  Or not!  ;-)


Namaste

Back again from our overnight stay.  We went to see 39 Steps which I will give a report on in  a moment. 

We stayed at a hotel near the theatre.  Nice hotel.  Very nice.  The room was beautiful and spotless.  It was bright and should have been quiet.  Should have been.  I normally would not make a snap judgement but because this has happened before I feel entitled to an opinion.  Hockey teams.  More specifically junior hockey teams that are allowed to make noise all hours of the day and night and their drunken parents who do nothing about it.  It was so loud!  Running up and down, up and down the hallways and stairs.  Playing and holding up the elevator.  Playing games on the lobby computer.  Dropping platefuls of food, not picking it up and walking through it.  Parents drunk and sitting in the lobby flirting with one another, completely oblivious to what their kids are doing. The manager was embarrassed and gave us a free upgrade for next time without us even asking for anything.  I am not sure what the specific deal is with hockey teams as we have stayed at a lot of hotels with kids and never had a problem.  I have kids!  I know what to expect of them.  It is just bizarre.  At any rate, when we got home I had a hot bath and a sleep.  Anyway, rant over.  Hockey parents, if your kids act like this, get control of your children and lay off the alcohol. 


The play.  Fabulous, creative and absolutely hilarious.  It is now in my top five plays.  Four actors playing (get this) 150 different parts!  It was fast paced and the 90 minute play seemed over in about 10. There were times when I was actually holding back laughter so I could hear the next lines.    If you ever get a chance to see 39 Steps see it! You will not be disappointed.  Anyway, I had a lovely time with my sweetie.  Even with the hotel, every day with him is a good day. 


Nothing new on the buying a home front.  Need to take some time to rest our brains and re-evaluate.  I am back to work tomorrow with a crazy day ahead.  I am supposed to have done so much more to prepare for the painter tomorrow.   So, another weekend over.  *sigh*  

This Bird Has to Wait...

Well, it looks like it is not going to happen.  Yes, I am disappointed.  I loved the house we put an offer on.  We made an offer of 95% of their asking price but it was not good enough.  They want 98%.  The thing is the have had no interest and no movement  from anyone else because they are asking too much.  I guess they have a number stuck in their heads and want it.  Oh, well.  Birdie will have to wait for her yard.  One day I will have a yard.  I have been holding my breath on this dream for about 15 years and I guess I can keep holding it for a while longer.  I already found the most important part and that is the person to share the dream with.  (Ending a sentence with a preposition.)  


My sweet fiancé is taking me to a play called 39 Steps tomorrow night for our 4th Anniversary.  I love live theatre!  I am lucky to have a man that loves it as much as I do because a lot of men would not be caught dead in live theatre.  We have seen dozens of plays over the years.  I rarely watch TV and have seen 2 movies over the last 5 years.  LIVE theatre is where it is at for me!  My favourite plays over the years have been The Road to Mecca, Damien, Guys and Dolls, The Life Inside and Oklahoma!  .

I am off to bed.  I started a new book, Let the World Spin.  I love reading.  Fact about Birdie.  I have read every night before bed for 10 years straight.  Never miss a night.  Ever.


Namaste  

A Home of Our Own

I had a Reiki session today and I am feeling quite energized and relaxed.  I was so tired after the session that I came home and promptly went to sleep!  A delicious nap in the middle of the day is just what I needed.  


My fiancé and I have put in another offer on the same house as we did last week.  I am no longer afraid of saying anything because I have committed this to the Universe.  We have a price and if they accept it (and it is a very fair price) we know that this house is meant to be ours.  If they don't it is time to move on.  I can't say I will be happy about it because it is the most beautiful and pretty house I have ever seen.  The yard is huge!  As I have said, I have never had a home with a yard.  I will be able to plant a vegetable garden!  I can have flowers!  It is wonderfully quiet there and being Highly Sensitive I really crave the quiet.  I think I have more than paid my dues by living on the busiest highway in my city for 16 years. (City is almost 100,000 people.)  I will be happy just to never hear engine brakes, trains, car horns, people yelling obscenities and sirens. Anyway, I am hoping.  

Namaste

Regarding the Thyroid...

I thank you for your comments on my thyroid. I see that I was not exactly clear.  I already take thyroid medication but is a super low dose.  It is actually the lowest dose available, (.05).  I am still tired most of the time and wondering if it needs to be increased.  I am hoping my doctor will indeed be back in two weeks so I can go for blood work. 
Going like gangbusters here.  I have decided to put my home on the market so I am doing 50 things at once to get it up for sale as soon as possible.  There is so much to do!  I am excited though and looking forward to finally being with my fiancé. Where I live now is teeny tiny and  I am hoping to have my first ever Christmas dinner in my own home.   
Lots going on but I need to be up early tomorrow.  Reiki tomorrow!


Namaste

I Really Need to Get My Thyroid Checked...

Started out early today and was so exhausted when I came home that I went for a short nap and ended up sleeping for 3 hours.  It was that dead-to-the-world sleep. When you finally wake up you are all twisted in blankets and your body is contorted into such an uncomfortable position you can't move.  My arms were all twisted, I was on my stomach and I don't know but,  I think my head had twisted around 3 or 4 times.

I should not be this tired!  I don't remember parts of driving home.  I have been trying to get into see my doctor but he has been off for four months now.  He has a sports injury.  Yeah.  Four months.  OK, OK. I love my doctor and he is great. He is this great big man from Iceland that lets his patients call him by his first name.   I just want him back!  I have a short list of things and need to see him.  He is scheduled to be back in April.  I hope so. 


I am off to visit all of you!


Namaste

Spring! Spring! Spring! Spring!

Spring iz sprung,

Da grass iz riz,

I wonder where dem boidies iz.

Dey say the boid iz on da wing.

But dat's absoid.

Da wing iz on da boid.

MY grandfather used to recite that poem.  He has been gone for a long time now but I remember he loved Spring. Is anyone else excited as I am? It has been a long winter.  I live on the west coast of Canada and it is dark and rainy much of the time.  I love the longer days!  I love the sun!  The crocuses and daffodils are out! Awesome! 


Where did the weekend go?  I am tired and the week has not even started. Lately my cat has been waking me up so he may have to be put in the laundry room tonight.  I may even turn off the ringer on my phone as I often get wrong numbers in the middle of the night.  And with that, I am off to have a hot bath and then to bed.


Namaste

Please, Let's Get Honest!

 I was hitting "next blog" tonight and it strikes me how many people blog about the perfect life.  I mean seriously, I think it is great that you love Jesus and shit but let's get honest.  When people of any belief or religion go on about how great life is I am skeptical and have to call bullshit.

In my younger days, I did a lot of searching.  Catholicism to Jehovah's Witnesses and then became a born-again Christian.  What was niggling all these years is how HAPPY everyone was.  I wasn't.  What went on in the church dismayed me.  What was going on in the world kept me full of questions.  Nobody in the church ever spoke honestly about life.  Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door, all dressed up with smiles on their faces but their eyes were dim and sad.  When I became a born again Christian I found everyone "just loved Jesus so much" and everything was rosy.  But really it wasn't.  

Here is the thing. I do not begrudge anyone for his or her beliefs.  If it holds true for you, go with it.  I just hate the damn pretending.  How do I know?  Because I have lived the lie of pretending. Go with your beliefs, whatever they are but don't be afraid to say that you are unhappy, depressed, angry or that you do not really understand the ways of your creator. Your creator has broad shoulders and will not throw you into hell for questioning.  

I picture God like this.  Think of a child who is angry at his mom. He stomps his little feet and has a temper tantrum.  He may even throw out an I HATE YOU!  A parent looks on and holds back a smile at the purity and simpleness of his expressions.  That is how I picture my creator.  I can question. I can be angry.  I can not speak to Him/Her for days/weeks or months at a time.  God still loves me.  Always.  There is nothing I can ever do to make my creator love me more.  And there is nothing I can do to make my creator love me less.  I LOVE that.  I mean seriously!  I find that exciting!

As I strolled through "next blog" I was actually feeling a little sick at the sad and horrible things people are going through yet they keep up the act.  How many people out there never want to step foot in a church because their life is so far from happy, so far from perfect? They feel like they would never fit.   I believe that my creator loves me like there is no tomorrow but my creator knows I am pissed at Him right now.  (My mom has Ovarian cancer.)  I mean what the fuck?  Asshole pedophiles are walking around and my mom gets cancer!  But whatever, right?  I am angry and God knows I am.  I am being honest and open about my feelings and don't sit around talking about God's will and how happy I am. I am not happy or joyful. I am angry. So what if it is God's will?  I am still not happy about it.

I don't know if I am making any sense whatsoever.  I just know I desire to live in a world where people can be open about their feelings, especially their feelings about God. Life is too short.  Let's share and learn from each other.  We are all we have. 

Namaste

I am Not Inspired Every Night!

My day started earlier than normal today but it is all good.  Tired? Yes, but I am always tired.   I was able to go to Reiki today but the practitioner seemed distracted. I have never really had that happen before.  During my session someone's cell phone went off and three different times someone came up to speak to my practitioner.  It was weird.  I tried very hard to be in the moment but with the distractions it was difficult.  Oh, well.

I started a new 10-week course night course on working and living with people with severe and persistent  mental health issues.  A person I care for has some issues that I am finding incredibly challenging and I hope I will gain some insight on how to deal with his delusions and how to keep myself level.  It can be frustrating to deal with someone who insists that people are spying on him, stealing his money and everyone is working together against him.  I find myself getting frustrated and that is the last thing he needs. The saddest part is this man has pushed away everyone from his life. (Or maybe they choose to stay away because his heart has very little love.)  I am the only one who ever spends time.  Ever. I have to believe this is for a reason.  I often ask the creator (who thought it would be a good idea to create me) why.  Why me?  What can I do for him, this man whose is full of anger and resentment. He trusts no one but me.  We are from two different worlds!  I keep praying that I am making a difference and I am just not the person who takes him on outings twice a week.  He needs love. I have oodles of love to give.  My heart overflows with it to the point of joy and bitter-sweet sadness.  I am hoping it will rub off. But after seeing him for almost a year now I do not see any change. I don't even know the change I want to see!  I feel like I am the one who is "going crazy".  He has a serious mental illness and being a nice and loving person is not going to stop him from being delusional.  He is sick.  It is like saying is I love someone with cancer or diabetes enough they will get better.   I am frustrated and weary.  What can I do but to keep loving and doing what I feel called to do?


Namaste

I Love the Night!

I don't know when everyone else experiences their creative time but mine is at night after my kids are dreaming in their beds and even the cat is taking his pre-nocturnal nap.  (He needs to rest up for his night time romping, fake fur ball attacks and general running fits.  I think he does it on purpose because I named Norbert.  He is acting out.   I named my cat Norbert because I thought a nerdy name would keep him in his place. Cats always think they are "better" than anyone else and the name Norbert keeps him feeling a little insecure. But I digress, which I tend to do often.)  I love the night.  The phone doesn't ring and the only e-mails that come through are delicious e mails like Notes From the Universe.  Even the (damn) train and the (damn) traffic is quieter. 


When I wake up in the morning I have a really hard time getting up and facing the day.  I get pretty bad anxiety attacks, almost every morning of my life.  I wish I could find balance in this area.  
I try to go to bed earlier so mornings are not so dreadful but it doesn't help.  Every night I stay up and be creative.  I will journal or blog, I will create a Mandala  (On this link, scroll down to the song called Ong Namo (number 8) , it is my favourite.) or read a book.  I meditate or do Yoga in bed. I listen to music or do a little sketch.  I simply love the night! 


Anyway, Reiki tomorrow.  Life is good.   


Namaste

Not Quite Home Sweet Home

Well, what I was super excited about may not come to pass after all.  My fiancé and I have been looking at homes together!  We found the most pretty and beautiful home in the world last weekend.  It has a great big yard and a beautiful patio that I could sit on  for the rest of my life and watch the world go by.  It would even have a quiet room for me, me, me.  Right now I am living with my 2 teenagers in less than 1000 sq feet.  It is across the road from the train tracks.  It is on the city's most major highway. Sirens day and night.  People getting arrested.  Noise all the time.


 I have never had a yard.  I have never had a flower garden.  I have never had a vegetable garden.  I don't care so much for the house as the yard.  I want to be able to take off my shoes and walk through the grass.  I want to feel a peace. I want to listen to the quiet.  I want to feed the birds.  I want to have a little fountain with goldfish. 


Anyway, our offer was refused and I am a little sad but...such as life and it is all under control by whoever it is that is out there and thought it would be a cool idea to create me!


OK, on a truly wonderful and amazing piece of news is that my sister is pregnant and I am going to be an aunt! How many things are better than a baby?   My first niece is now 5.  She was 8 weeks pre-mature so we are a little concerned that this baby will decide to show up early too.  I pray often that she (yes, it is a GIRL!!) will keep tucked all warm and snug inside the safety of my sister until at least the beginning of June.  My sister and her husband lost a baby before this one.  I sometimes wonder why God allowed that.  He or she would have been so loved and then there are children walking around that are being abused, neglected and unloved.  God often does things that make no sense to me.  Anyway, I have added a ticker over there ------> so we can all count down together and they I will post a few hundred pictures of her scrumptiousness! 
OK, I am off to spend some time in your world and see what everyone else is up to!


Namaste

I Should be Sleeping but...

Have you ever had something so exciting to tell but you are so excited you can't tell in fear that you will jinx it?  Well, that is what is happening!  NO, I am not pregnant as that would be impossible.  My fiancé and I are not getting married either.  But it is BIG news!  Eeeeeeeeeeeeee is all I can say!  I will probably be able to spill the beans in a day or two.  I am so excited!  This is bigger that anything I have dreamed.  Eeeeeeeeeee!


OK, on a calm note... I do not like this template blogger has  given me and I have been searching for a new one.  I finally found one but for the life of me I can't figure out how to unzip it. I have been unzipping zippers since I was about 3 but I can't unzip a file.  Meh.


Kids are on Spring break and I am on a Happy Break. No driving!  No driving to school, dance classes, acting classes.  I LOVE it. I took a delicious nap this afternoon.  I watched a video.  I talked on the phone.  I did a puzzle.  This is after I got home from work. Oh, small blessings!

Namaste

Frustration

I have been doing the same work for many years. I love it.  I can't imagine doing anything else and feeling fulfilled.  But there comes a time where there is a breaking point.  I can no longer keep doing this as it keeps me and my children living well below the poverty line. 

 I have always worked hard and earned an honest wage.  My clients tell me they have never seen anyone work as hard as I do.  When I go into a home my whole being is centered on the person in my care.  I care for them not only physically but emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially.  For some of the people in  my care, I am the only person they see for days at a time.  They rely on me to be their eyes and ears.  I have been with them after calling 911 for emergencies, I have held their hand as they spend their last days on earth and there is no one else, I have sat with them as they come home after the funeral of a spouse.  I have held buckets when they vomit and cleaned up GI tubes when they have burst.  I have cleaned diarrhea out of hair and shoes.  I have become a loving face to an Alzheimer patient (that no longer recognizes family)  even though she still does not remember my name after 2 years. I also give baths, clean toilets, do laundry, change beds and wash and vacuum floors.  I have advocated.  I have loved with my whole heart.

I do this because I love it.  I do this because I am called.  I never expected to become wealthy but yet, I live below the poverty line.  I am required to pay my gasoline as I drive from client to client.  (Ex - I drove 75 km. one day last week. I was not paid for my time or distance.)  I am called to do ONE hour shifts, even though the law states I must be paid for a minimum of two.  I graduated at he top of my class and have pages of glowing references from previous clients and their families.  

For all of this I get paid $14.50 an hour.  Take away taxes and expenses of driving and I don't bring home a whole lot.  It saddens me that what I do has so little value.  Am I not worth more? Is it too much to ask to be able to put food on my table?  Is it to much to ask to be able to pick up some clothes at a thrift store a few times a year?  I was able to take my kids to eat out in a restaurant once last year. Once. With my pay cheque I pay my mortgage, strata, phone, hydro and internet.  I realize the scoffers out there are already thinking I could get rid of the internet but I have two teenagers and they require access for school.  

I am at my end.  What do you do when you want to do something that is good and honourable but society robs that from you?  What, indeed. 

Namaste

How to Send Birdie Over the Edge

I have a lot of great traits.  I am a loving, kind and empathetic.  I love to read, write and draw.  I am smart.  I love history and genealogy.  I have great kids and a lot of it is because I am a great parent.  My fiancé and family tell me they are blessed to have me in their life.  But damn-it-all-to-hell.  There is always a catch.  I have a weak spot and it is glaring and big and can be embarrassing. 

I am stupid, stupid, stupid when it comes to numbers.  Not just sort of.  Not just a little bit. I mean the stupidest person I have ever known.  I took a "modified" math program in grade 12 (20 years ago)  and failed it three times.  I finally was put in a special course and was about to fail that too.  The teacher passed me because he was nice and felt sorry for me.  I went to him in the last week of school crying because I was not going to graduate. Since then I have taken math courses with special tutors for learning disabilities and still can't manage.  That brings me to every April.  Yes.  Income tax.  I have to pay someone to do it for me but I am still responsible for the simple stuff.  Like adding up work related receipts on a calculator.  (My cat could do it but he is mean and won't help.)  I can never come up with the same number twice!  I am very organized and have everything ready together and ready to go but I still struggle.  Sometimes it is really hard to love myself faults and all. 

PS- The cat above is not my cat but it proves how unhelpful they choose to be. 

Being a HSP

For as long as I can remember I knew I was somewhat different.  I think I caught the reality that I was different when I was seven. I was bullied by a boy named David.  He was a cruel and awful child.  What I remember so clearly through his meanness was how sad I felt for him.  I had it figured out (at seven) that he was mean because he something is his heart was not right.  Of course, these are words that I put to the situation now. (I now know his father abandoned the family.)  I did not have the vocabulary at seven to put into the words to describe the ache I felt for him.  He bullied me all through elementary school until we went into junior high and that is the last I remember of him.  Last I heard David was heavily involved in a life of crime, well known to police and addicted to drugs.  My forty year old heart still aches for him.


I found out about a year ago that I am Highly Sensitive.


I hate loud noises.  I startle easily.  Caffeine makes me loopy.  Bright lights overwhelm me. I need to go off and be alone at least once a day or I am unable to function.  I can't watch violence, real or on TV/movies.  I hate the mall.  I get panic attacks with the aforementioned.


With that I have this huge heart that loves people very easily and sees the great in people.  I am aware when someone needs something, whether emotional, physical or spiritual.  I love art, classical music and the performing arts.  My inner life is very satisfying and  rarely feel lonely or bored.  I can do things in my job, like working with a dying client and know that this is all part of a higher calling.


For years, I hated that I never really fit in. Though I have oodles of friends I never enjoyed the "party scene" and would much rather be at home or off feeding the ducks.  I want to become a palliative chaplain.  I know I am called to work with people in the last stages of living.  I have felt honoured and privileged to be with people in their final days.  It is a precious time.  Being with someone when they are born and when they die is an incredibly intimate experience.

I am so glad that after 40 years I am no longer confused or embarrassed by the person I am. Some days I wish I could join my friends for a drink at the pub. (Too loud.) Sometimes I wish I could enjoy the lighter things and life and not be so serious all the time.  (I have been told to "lighten up" more times than I can remember.)  But when it comes to the end of the day I have great peace and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Namaste

http://hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

Well, today is better even though I am still tired.  I just had a hot bath with no interruptions!  I enjoy these nights when the kids are at their dad's even though he was 2 hours late picking them up. *snark snark snark*


Signed up at parks & rec today.  Not sure if I want to take an art course or a yoga course.  I have been trying some drawing as an outlet and it is working but I feel stuck.  I feel there is more in me that needs to come out.  For my whole life I have felt that I  have zero talent  but I read a book by this author called Creative is a Verb .  I read it after one of her other books called Life is a Verb.  Both books have been life changing. I came across Life is a Verb at Hospice.  I think the book found me! 


That is all

Namaste

Cold, tired and cranky...

I am sitting on hold with the kids dental coverage program and am losing my damn patience.  I realize I am a low-income piece of garbage and I don't deserve to talk to an actual person. ~sarcasm~


I feel angry today.  I woke up this morning and realized my whole  day was spoken for.  I have about 30 minutes to myself (right now) before I have to go back to work.  I am tired, getting a cold and just worn out.  It is a sad time when I had to have major surgery just to get some time off.  


I am on a treadmill.  It goes nowhere.  I have been on it for too long and there is no way off.  OK, so I am 40 and not loving it at the moment. 


Later in the evening...
Home now.  I wish it would QUIT snowing.  I realize I am Canadian but enough already.  It is not nice "go out and make a snowman" snow.  It is mixed with rain and ice and gets into your bones.


Aren't I a basket full of fun.

Namaste