Probe...

 I finally got to see my doctor yesterday.  I am set up to have a mammogram, oh joy.  I had a whole bunch of blood taken and everything is normal but my iron is as low as it can go and still be on the normal side.  Maybe that explains why I am so tired.  I had some neat news from my doctor.  He is now going to be having his nurse/practitioners doing pap smears.  I am grateful for that.  Even though I think it he is the best doctor I have ever had it is still so invasive.  I guess I need to book that now plus my  pelvic ultrasound screening for Ovarian cancer.  Boy, that is fun!  There are just certain situations where you don't want to hear the word probe. 
Signed the final papers today so my home is now SOLD!  Yay! I should go throw all my underwear and bras all over the place to celebrate! 

I don't have a whole lot to say.  Very tired.  My ear hurts.  Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since we were told she has 2 - 3 months left.  Whatever that means... It seems like that conversation happened years ago.  I am crying a lot.  Feeling very alone right now.  Completely and utterly alone.  I wish I could call my mom like I used to and have her tell me she loves me.  It has been so long since I have had my mom.  I feel three years old and all I want is my mom.  I wish she could come to my house and help me with some menial bit of housework. (She is very good at folding bed sheets.)  I wish we could go out for lunch.  I wish I could go to visit her and for her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.  I wonder how many tears I will have to cry until there are no more tears left.  She is not even gone yet and it hurts so much.  I apologize for not being a very good blogging friend.  I am reading your posts but I am empty and don't have much in me to respond. 

Only 19 days left until my sister is due and today she said I could go into he delivery room with her!  Woot! I'm so excited!  Yay!  Seeing a baby born is on my Bucket List.  
My mom is stable and we are hoping she can hang on until the baby arrives.  She is getting more confused every day but not in any pain.  This is good.  I have been coping OK but there are times when I crash.  
The final papers on the sale of my home go through on Tuesday.  I am so glad this part is over!  I have had so many people coming through who seem to just be "looking". I would never do that.  It is such an invasion of privacy and that is something I try to be very respectful of.  Our lives are no longer private and our home is one of the few places we have to ourselves.  Anyway, two more days until where I can put this phase pf my life on the shelf.  I can now leave my underwear and bras on the floor!  

Today I came to the conclusion that I must have a latex allergy or sensitivity.  I work in health care and have been using latex gloves for years but found that my hands were getting a rash when I used them. When I put on band-aids my skin goes red.  I can sort of live with these things but tonight I was helping my son with a school project that requires balloons. Within a few minutes I felt sick to my stomach and had a pounding headache. I felt faint and had abdominal cramps.  My lips still feel tingly and it has been a few hours.  For the most part I have ignored it but the symptoms were quite bad tonight.  


We were forced out of our home today for 5 hours while the home inspector came through then they new owner.  Had to stay out even longer because my realtor wanted to show my home even though it is already sold. I can't take much more of this!  I just want to be left alone and leave dishes in the sink!  Norbert, the poor baby hates everyone including me but he hates other people the most.  I think if I did not trim his deadly claws he would have killed someone by now. 


Reiki today was lovely.  I finished the book "Room" today.  Very good read! I just got it from the library yesterday.  I am a very, very fast reader but you can tell when I love a book when I finish it in less than 24 hours.  I stayed up way too late last night reading but I couldn't put it down.  I also read "Secret Daughter" this week and really enjoyed it a lot. I am glad because it has been ages since I have read a great book.  


Sleep tight or Good morning dear readers!

Namaste. 

Inside Outside Upside Down

Inside Outside Upside Down.  This used to be one of my favourite books when I was a child.  I was fascinated by it!  I never thought the words could explain how I feel now as an adult. I feel like nothing is working as it should any more.  I am so tired today.  I just want to grab Norbert (my cat) and go back to bed.  I am finally, yes finally going to get to see my doctor today.  He has been off for five months and is only now back part time.  I don't feel like going because it is just routine stuff like refills on my thyroid medication and booking the ever exciting mammogram.  Meh


My mom seems to have stabilized which is a good thing but she is still in total denial about her dying.  She says the doctor made a mistake.  When I go to visit I come home crying like I have never cried in my life. Physically, I have this low grade fever, sore throat and achy body but it never progresses to anything.  I know I am getting depressed as all I want to do is sleep.  Getting up in the morning is hell. Sleep is where I don't have to deal with anything.  My own form of denial I guess.  Well, this is a short post.  I think I should go see about that nap before I have to go to work. 


Namaste


And an update - I went to see my doctor today and apparently they had me down for 10:00 not 11:40.  I called yesterday to confirm the time! I would never have made an appointment for 10:00 because I work at that time. I am usually wrong about things but I know I was right about this.  The receptionist was insistent that the mistake was mine. Now I have to wait until Monday.  I have already waited for five months;  what is a few more days?
I have another showing tomorrow which is kind of a waste of time because in theory my place is already sold.  The home inspector comes tomorrow as well so I have had to once again clean my place so it is show room clean and tidy.  God grant me patience!  I don't live like this!  I like my books out. I like my things around me.  I like not making my bed.  I don't want to empty the bathroom waste baskets every day.  I don't want to always be doing laundry.  I was not meant to be a perfectionist.  Norbert is going to have a total cat meltdown if he has to go in his crate one more time. The poor baby.  


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Why I Ditched Pads and Tampons and What I am Doing Now.

I got my first period on the last day  of grade seven.  I was twelve.  Like every other girl I started wearing those awful "Stayfree" maxi-pads.  They were really thick back then, probably a couple of inches.  From the start I had heavy periods and would soak through a pad in a few hours.  I wore pads for a few years and decided to try tampons.  It took me a long time to get used to inserting them. I could often feel them after leaving the washroom only to have to go back and try to get it in right or remove it and start over with a new one.  I tried pads again when they went thinner but they "Always" leaked. When they came out with wings I tried them too.  How many times have we had those pads rip out our pubic hair?  Back again to tampons. Get it in right only to have it move when I strained to have a bowel movement. Sometimes the tampon would almost come right out.  Start again with yet another tampon.  What a waste! 


What has bothered me the most is the waste and the impact on the environment. It is estimated that the average woman will use 10,000 pads/tampons in her lifetime.  


"Multiply the number of pads/tampons you use each month by twelve. Then, multiply that figure by 41 years - the average woman's menstruation span.  For argument's sake, let's pick the figure of 4 tampons/pads per day, for 5 days.  That's 20 disposable products per cycle. Twelve cycles per year equals 240 tampons/pads per year. Okay, now if you menstruate for 41 years...that's close to 10,000 tampons/pads you'll use in your lifetime!"*


The other part that bothered me was the cost!  Feminine products are outrageously expensive. The last part that concerned me was just was I inserting into my body? 


"Most tampons and pads contain surfactants, adhesives and additives.   In addition, most pads contain polyethylene plastic whose production is a pollutant. Also, dioxin, a known carcinogen, is a by-product of the bleaching process of tampons containing rayon. In landfills, many of these substances can leach into the environment (groundwater, streams and lakes) causing serious pollution and health concerns." *


I was tired of the whole business but what was I to do?  I likely had many more years of this.  A few years back I started my period at a friend's house and decided to just run over to the pharmacy to pick something up. It was there that I first discovered The Diva Cup.  While looking at the looooooooong aisle of pads and tampons I noticed a couple small purple boxes on the top shelf.  Upon further investigation I found something I had never heard of before.  Reading the back of the box it was pretty obvious how it worked but I was sceptical.  We have all been fed the garbage of having a "happy period".  What convinced me to buy it was it was only $35.00 (Canadian).  If I hated it and it didn't work I did not have a lot to lose.


The Diva Cup is made with 100% medical grade silicone.  It is worn inside and is easily inserted and removed. It took me about 2 months to really get used to it but I love this product!  No more cost, no more waste, no more unknown chemicals leaching into my body and into the environment and  no more fumbling and mess.  When inserted it stays inserted until I am ready to remove it.  To clean it, I simply remove it, empty it and wipe it out with toilet tissue.  If I am at home I wash it with gentle soap and water.  It can be boiled to sterilize after each month.


I really do love this product.  It has changed the way I feel about my period.  I can wear it all day and not have to even think about it.  I can wear it all night.  I will never go back to pads or tampons!


I realize The Diva Cup is not available everywhere but look on the internet to see where you can get one in your community. Other companies sell other menstural cups which I am sure are just as good. 


What some more info?

* http://www.divacup.com/


http://www.squawkfox.com/2008/06/13/10-reasons-the-diva-cup-can-change-your-life/

Who Will Feed Norbert?

Damn!  She has been taken up in the rapture!  Who is going to feed me now?  Oh well, I guess I will just go claw the  couch.  And pee on the bed.

Did you know that there is not many books out there on death, dying and grief?  There are books that cover the general concept of loss which is almost insulting because losing a spouse, parent or a child is not that same as any other loss, no matter how you look at it. I realize the stages have similarities but it is almost insulting to browse books that have all loses lumped together as it they are the same.  You will never convince me that losing a pet (which I have and it was dreadful) or losing a job (which I have and stayed in bed for 2 weeks and cried) is the same thing.  People that say that losing a pet is like losing a child.  It's not.  My (step) dad lost his son suddenly when his son was nine.  My dad has never recovered fully. Anyway, my point is that when I was in the bookstore today I wanted to throw a few books across the store that tries to compare them. 
Not much new in my corner of the planet.  Spoke to my mom yesterday and today.  I have to remind myself over and over that this is her dying, not mine.  (Thank you Paula for sharing this truth with me.) She is in complete denial right now.  Or maybe she forgets.  Either way I am finding this part really difficult.  When we talk she speaks of  going and getting more chemotherapy.  The weird thing is at times she convinces me. I think maybe the doctor is wrong!  I go into my own denial.  That is why I strongly believe that grief is not done in stages but is a continuum.  Yes, the emotions are there (denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance) but we are always going around and around.  


Well, it is 6:45 p.m. and I was not taken up in the rapture.  It is a good thing because my cat, Norbert gets destructive and mean when he is left alone and doesn't get fed. 

This Business of Dying

I went to see my mom yesterday and she was having a OK day. We got her in the shower; her first in a month.  She has been having bed baths.  I was hoping just maybe she was on an up-swing but from doing Palliative care for a long time now I know the term "rallying". Rallying is when a dying person appears to be getting better, only to crash and die a short time later.  She is not eating much and drinking very little.  Her colostomy bag has had nothing in it for two days now.
My dad, my strong dad who is built and can work like an OK is getting so tired.  The worst part is to see him so sad.  He soul-mate is dying.  His best friend is dying and there is nothing he can do to stop it.  He tries, which is equally sad.  He tries to get her to eat and drink. He caters to her every whim.  Maybe he thinks if he can just get some food into her she will get stronger.  My sister is expecting, she has four weeks to go but my dad is not able to find the joy in it.  I spoke with him tonight about that.  I told him he is allowed to separate the two, this dying and this birth but I don't think he can.
My dad, who has never spoken of the Spiritual, not even a mention of God or angels or an afterlife thought he saw his mom who passed away 10 years ago. He said he thought he saw her walk into my mom's room where she was sleeping.  My mom and my dad's mom were very close and I guess she is coming to reassure my dad that she is waiting on the other side.  My mom has speaks of  "dreams" she is having about people who died years ago.
Anyway, her fight is not like you read in obituary notices.  This is not a brave, courageous, valiant battle with cancer.  This battle has been fucking cruel.  It has robbed. It gives hope and snatches it away again in it's evil grasp.  And it taunts.  It causes pain and suffering and it thrives on it.  It takes away your dignity. My mom sleeps, when she is not sleeping she is crying because she does not want to die.  She is not afraid of the after-life but she still has so much to live for. I hope and pray each day that she will die with peace but that hope is diminishing as she gets more weak and confused.  I know many of you are sending Reiki energy to my mom.  This being the internet and because she has a very unique first name just send the energy to "May", her middle name.  My dad could use some too.  His middle name is Edward. Thanks. 


So, not to be a totally depressing post, I had an offer on my condo today and I have accepted it.  I sign the final papers tomorrow morning.  Move out day is July 15 but we get possession of our new home June 24 so I can move out and take my time.  My new home is so pretty!  My fiancé and I were planning today where we are going to put the garden.  We talked about what we are going to do in the basement.  We talked about the chickens we want to get.  OK, that I want to get!  I am so glad I am finally going to be with him after four years.  
Again, I thank all of you that read my blog. Thank you to those of you that leave comments.  Thank you to those of you that don't leave comments because you don't know what to say.  I can feel your love and energy and for that I am grateful.


Namaste.

She Sews!

Look at the bitch in this picture!  She is the reason so much is expected of women.  I hate the entire family equally.  However, I am going to have a little contest and I will let my readers decide what pisses me off most about the picture.  There are no prizes but it should be fun trying to figure it out.
So, what brought on this hate tonight?  I had to sew.  I took sewing up in my younger days because I married young and I thought that is what a "good wife" does.  The thing is I hated it!  HATED IT.  I didn't  have the patience of lining up those marks and pinning paper to cloth.  And every single time I would jab myself with a pin.  Or step on one.  And any project I ever made never fit properly.  It always chafed where you don't want things to chafe.  And then it totally fell apart by the 5th wash.  I did buy a serger but by then my hate had grown deeply and it only got used a couple of times.  It ended up in a horrendous knot.  
But my love for my daughter made me pull out the machine. She is in Highland dancing.  All that was needed was hemming the pants, the bottom of the shirt and the arms.  It took me three days. And it looks...well it doesn't look all that great. I just know her dance instructor is going to give me that look. You likely know the look.  That look that makes you feel everybody else's children are so well cared for and YOU use medical tape to hem a garment? (Yes, yes I did that once!)  I think the teacher was speechless.  I mean what could she say?  But she did give me that look.  Anyway, the medical tape is gone and there are (mostly) proper seems.  My daughter can dance her little heart out at the competition this weekend.  And when I see her great big smiley face it makes it all worth it.  
I do still hate the picture though. Do you know why? 

Luck and Love and Other Stuff

Guess what?  No, guess!  Give up?  OK!  I just received the most lovely of lovely gift in the mail today!  Remember this post where I was looking for a 4-leaf clover but didn't find one?  Well Isa over at The M Chart sent me one! And not just any 4-leaf clover. This thing is huge!  (I put a penny beside it so you can see how big it is.)  She also sent a card that filled my heart with love. Thank you so much Isa.  I will wrap the 4-leaf clover in wax paper and add it and the card to my treasures.   


PS- Isa will have to tell me what the symbols on the back mean! Kisses to YOU Isa.  Namaste

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In other news I don`t know what is wrong with me.  It feels like I am fighting some bizarre virus but maybe it is just stress. I have a sore throat and a headache.  My knees hurt.  My neck hurts.  My joints and ache and I am so tired.  I napped today and set my alarm but I did not hear it.  I woke up 30 minutes later.  I am a very light sleeper and  I have never slept through my alarm before!  I have an appointment to see my doctor on May 25.   My doctor has been off for five months now and the 25th is the earliest I can get it.  I could go to the drop-in but it is full of sick people. I know I am a `sick people`but I hate the drop-in clinic. Anyway... it is almost 6:00 and I should go cook some dinner. 

Namaste

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Things I actually  said to my kids today...


"Get out of bed."
"Feed the cat."
"Give the cat some water."
"Take those ear buds out of your ears!"
"Where are your glasses?"
"Turn the TV down!"
"Turn your music down!"
"Stop fighting!"
"Say please."
"Don't roll your eyes at me!"
"If you keep it up you"re both going to sit in the back seat!"
"Just wait until you have kids of your own."
"Have you flossed your teeth?"
"Put away your laundry." 
"Because I'm the mom!"
"Have you finished your homework?"
"Go have a bath/shower."
"I love you!"
"I love you!" 
"I love you!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ&feature=player_embedded