When I was growing up I had two friends that were molested by their mother's boyfriends. Both of these mothers stayed with the abusers. WTF? So, yes. There are four people right there that can die as far as I am concerned. The molesters and the mothers that thought it was fine to stay with a man that sexually abused their child. Bargaining.
Oh, and denial.
She was able to go for a drive with my dad last week. Maybe the doctor is wrong! Other than not eating and drinking, and sleeping 20 hours a day and the dementia. There is that. But I still keep hoping. But then I stop because I don't want her to live like this. But then I think maybe she will get better. We have all heard the stories of people given months to live and they are alive 20 years later. The whole thing is exhausting.
I try to balance my posts and my life for that matter with positive. My fiance and I signed more papers which is getting us closer to the possession date of our new home. Can't wait! I love him so much! I can't wait to sleep beside him every night even if he hogs the bed and likes the bed sheets all twisted and tangled. (Right sweetie?) I told him last night that I am going to be the one in charge of changing the sheets because dear god that man is amazing but he can not make a bed. He cooks, cleans, sews, gardens and is the best man on the planet, oh yes he is. But he can't make a bed. So I will make it and we can sleep in it. He can listen to me snore. :-)
I think that if I was in your place (and we all will, at some point), I would feel almost guilty if I "gave up" on hoping that my mother would get better. But you know, acceptance of a situation is not giving up.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am very glad that you have this new life ahead of you, even as you are having to go through such hard, sad times.
It's so difficult to see good people gone and jerks hang around!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that at least you are moving on with the beginning of a new life.
My heart swelled with joy when I read how you feel about your man and I cried at the thought of your father now sleeping alone. Yes that is what I fear most about Mike's illness, the empty bed.
ReplyDeleteKeeping my fingers crossed that your niece will choose our wedding day 14th or my birthday 18th to arrive. :-)
Lorna, my sister's b-day is June 18 so that would be a great day!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, my dad being alone is almost more than my heart can handle. No, it IS more than my heart can handle.
I am all for hope and keeping that light lit... there is no harm in hoping... exhausting? you are right but that is what we do for people we treasure in life...
ReplyDeleteon another note... I am thrilled for you... you so deserve to be happy and especially with the man that you love and who sounds amazing... you must take pictures of your new home... looking forward to that! :)
I know what you mean about bargaining.
ReplyDeleteA dear friend of ours died last month due to an accidental overdose of migraine medication. She herself was a doctor, and a very kind soul who in her short life (she was in her late 30s) helped many people including counseling me through the grief I was dealing with following the death of my mother. This may sound wrong, but when my friend died I felt so cheated and robbed, because she was good and kind and didn't deserve to die like that when everyday I read about horrific people in the news. Why is my friend dead while they are still sucking back oxygen......I could not bargain for her....but would have if I could.
I know how you feel.....
Birdie.I just happened to run across your blog after reading a friend's blog(messy minds)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a couple of things you wrote about. 1) being molested as a child by someone my mother brought into my world,and staying with that person after the fact.(How could I say such things?)
When my mother was diagnoised with a liver disease that would eventually take her life,she called me after not seeing her for many years and asked me to come back,and sign the hospice papers with her,because she knew out of all the siblings I would follow her wishes,and be strong enough to stand up to others,that felt it was the wrong decision. She wanted to also tell me she was sorry for being such a sh**ty mother. I told her I had gotten past it and not to worry(I am 47 tomorrow). I did the morphine under the tongue for 2 weeks until she passed. When I told it was alright,I only said so because I knew she needed to hear that to pass. I wasn't sad because I knew she wouldn't want to live like that.Did I really forgive her? Probably not. I pray that God gives you strength to do what you need to do,and also to comfort you in this very trying time. It is a very hard place to be.
On the other hand..congrats on the love of a wonderful man..it is a great feeling to have someone that you know is in your corner no matter what. My husband and I will celebrate our first year anniversary Aug 5,I feel totally blessed to have this great man by my side,and his love has taught me that you can get past the past..and REAL love really does exist! Thanks so much for allowing me to read your blog today and comment. I wish you the best! Tamir
P.S. NEVER GIVE UP ON HOPE AND LOVE, you are not being selfish you are just being a wonderful daughter!!!!
Sorry for your Mothers illness. It is a tough time. Sleeping with him is the tug a war over the covers :)
ReplyDeleteThis is someone who talks to you via my blog name but I am going anonymously..to say this: My stepfather molested me when I was younger and stalks me if I am around him. My mother is completely unaware/unsure of it. I did tell her and she did try* to separate from him..however...he's very convincing/manipulative. On the good side, he has treated her better than my father...who cheated. So..that said..she also had a father who left her when she was little..and she was the family caretaker of the family..because her mother was mentally incapable due to a stroke...so..I knew all of this and knew my mother. I love my mother more than anyone and I care deeply her...she knows..I do. I am strong enough to live and see her ...I feel like she is a victim herself...knowing that I also went through my own experiences of being with a man who abused me too like that.
ReplyDeleteOur mothers are our mothers...I think that many people are sick in the head...and without God to keep us straight in going towards the bad in life...we can't achieve wonders of following our instincts.
I don't forgive him but he is..I believe..either sociopathic...or a narcissist ...so..its hopeless..But I can watch and monitor him from afar..how he treats her...and how things go on...but I am not in control of their lives..they are both adults.
This is my point..we make hard decisions in life..like living happily aside from truly terrible things. Its very unfair what is going on with your mother but you have a right to be happy and with with your hubby in your new home...that has to give your mom..what part she can understand..that you are living a good life ..and she is your mother that insured that life. Every moment you are with her..you are truly angelic....some people just leave when it gets hard..but this is testament to your soul and knowing whats right.
Hi Birdie....
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard part of life... I cannot possibly imagine what my life will be like when my mother is no longer here... my mother has given us a few scares over the past few years and it's something that I know is coming sooner rather than later, but for now I am choosing not to think about it.
You, on the other hand, are deep in the middle of it all. There are no words that I can say that will help you find peace, but I do hope you find some peace in your heart.
I can say that when my Grams was in the dying process, my mother had hospice come in and help out. My mother was hurting so badly but she stayed with Grams day & night and helped ease her through the process. She let Grams know that she would be okay (even if mom did not believe it) and that she would celebrate her life....
That was 5 years ago... my mother is still grieving...daily.... for her mother. But the one thing she always comes back to is that no matter how incredibly difficult it was for her, she is so grateful that she made the choice to help Grams... she said that if she had not had that time with Grams those last few months that she would have no peace in her heart at all...
I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. Enjoy this time with your mom as much as you can.... visit with her, care for her, help her in anyway you can... it is the ultimate gift that you can give her....
Now...
The house thing.... HOW EXCITING!! Life is so full of magic when we are filled with love... pure and true love!
Thanks to all of your comments. I would like to address both "anonymous" comments. I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with such horrific abuse. There is nothing to say that can even put a nice glaze on something so atrocious.
ReplyDeleteI do want to say that I would not wish death on anyone. I am a pacifist and do not even believe in the death penalty. I don't believe murder or killing is ever right. So even though I have been bargaining I do not wish death on anyone. I really do believe that there is a great huge love and many people have never had the chance to know it. They are the people that hurt others and abuse.
Forgiveness- I do not like how our culture has taken that word and made it mean something it does not mean at all. Forgiveness does not mean what you think. The Greek word aphiēmi actually means to leave, go way from one in order to go to another place. Basically it mean you no longer have any ties to that person. You are not "forgiving" that person but you are moving away from ALL of it. You are "untying" yourself. Does that make sense? I think that sounds more do-able than the traditional meaning of forgiveness.
I just adore your "I am woman" eye mask Birdie.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings to you as you anticipate your new home together with your fiance.
Strength and love to you as you continue to struggle through this sad and painful time. And to your Mum, Dad and family too. x