Now that she is gone I miss talking to her so much. Right now I am going through hot flashes, urine leaking and other things I can't believe how much I miss her. Please don't say I can still talk to her because I can't. It is not the same at all. I want to hear her voice. I want to hear her laugh at me when I say I peed in my pants a little. It would be wonderful to hear her tell me what it was like for her when she was 41.
There are many things that I do not have any peace with regarding my mom's dying and death. I don't have it in me to write about her last 4 days of living. I feel like I let her down in so many ways but I can't write about it yet. I have not had the courage to tell you about how horrible her Celebration of Life went.
Lately, I guess I can say I am feeling better but only because I have had to resign myself to the fact that she is dead. There is no place of "acceptance" as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said. (Incidentally, did you know Kubler-Ross only ever interviewed seven people? Hospice workers are now saying the whole 'Five Stages of Grief' is wrong. Her work was never based on anything other than how seven people who were dying felt. She never interviewed people who had gone through a loss. Yes, there are five feelings people may or may not feel when grieving but there are also dozens of other feelings as well. If you want to read more on this topic this go here.)
So this is how I have been feeling. Just one foot in front of the other because I have no other options and I do still have so much to live for. But damn, I wish I could phone my mom right now and ask her if she ever peed in her pants a little.
Birdie, this is so touching. I send a hand squeeze. There really is no one quite like mom, if mom was a good mom, like yours. I have no words of wisdom, just that I, along with your other followers, am listening.
ReplyDeleteThere's no substitute for Mom, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteHi Birdie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're experiencing this phase right now.Trust you will learn something from it as you grow through the motions.Grief is as unique as each person - and the life experiences you may have shared with them before their passing.I am sure you will accept your regrets when you are ready.Here's wishing you are able to learn self forgiveness and acceptance..it's slow process..regardless of what's been written about the five stages,we are each on our own healing paths.
May you find some peace along yours.Sincerely,Tabitha
I don't know what to say. I talk to my Dad and I find it helps. Sometimes I think I can hear his responses. But he's been gone 12 years and I've had plenty of practice at living without him.
ReplyDeleteIt does get better. Promise.
Well, you can ask me and the answer is, YES, I pee in my pants a little all the damn time.
ReplyDelete(Did that help? I hope so.)
You have described Moms so well...I still wish I could talk to Mom about how she dealt with menopause??? I wonder if anyone can say how to grieve...I hope you feel comforted by the memories but I know it is not easy
ReplyDeleteExcuse me...I have to go and blow my nose and wipe my tears...
ReplyDeleteok..I'm back...when my Mom died, I felt that I would never be anyones' child again...never feel that closeness that only comes with a Mom...and I think I was right...I miss my Mom EVERY day...and it has been 13 years...every day...and I want to talk to her...and ask for her help...Mostly it does get better, but it is always there...deep inside...but...at least I had her for that time, as my Dad died when I was 21 and my Mom was only 50!!! Luckily for her, she re-married and had 26 years with her second husband....and she knew all 3 of my kids, and they loved her...
SO.....I am down from my soapbox...ready to face another day...and you shall too!!!
Love to rant here....very cleansing.. thanks...
Linda :o)
Sometimes there's nothing to say. So I won't say anything, but I will give you a (((HUG))). I know it's not your Mom's hug, and I know it's only a cyber hug, but when you feel like this, only a hug will do.
ReplyDelete(((((HUG))))))
Judy, South Africa
For me, it's my Dad, not my mom that has left a hole in my heart. My mom is still here, and she pees her pants a little every day. Depends are her friends.
ReplyDeleteThe seven stages of grief are wrong. There's no roadmap, not steps, it is a process that happens on its own terms. I don't even fight it anymore, it wins.
Have I mentioned The Art of Losing by Kevin Young? It's a collection of poems about grief and loss and I found it very cathartic. He breaks the book into these chapters:
Reckoning, Regret, Rememberance, Ritual, Recovery and Redemption. They make more sense than the other ones, but I'm 4 years down the road stuck in Regret and Rememberance.
Don't know that I'll live to see Recovery or Redemption. At any rate, sometimes I read a random poem or two to remind myself that my feelings are normal, I just don't have the knack for expressing them that poets do.
Wishing you some peace on this journey.
I've also been dealing with grief this week... However, for other things. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many layers or stages there have been with this grieving process.
ReplyDeleteI can't image not being able to call my Mom or Dad. It brings tears to my eyes, as I know there will be a day that they will not be here to pick up the other end of the phone. So I cherish each day they do answer the phone or I get to spend sometime with them.
Sending you a virtual hug on this tough day. I also hope you find peace in your journey.
I envy your relationship with your mother. Mine is 90 and I am only starting to like her. I could not possibly imagine phoning her every day. I have trouble phoning her every week. I have probably gone months without talking to her over the years. Let's just say ditto on her end. Because she also has had a phone that dials out. I could not talk to my mother about anything personal ever. Except maybe about peeing your pants a little. We've all done it. Do your kegels. Seriously. Do them. All the time. They are your friend.
ReplyDeleteRejoice that you miss your Mom. That is so special.
There is NO steps or right way to feel or not feel as a owner of a carehome for the elderly and a Hospice worker we see every SINGLE person have a completely different situation/experience I have held more family through tears that were no relation to me then my own so I can not say I could even take away from those experiences and apply it to me when it is my own, I would love to be able to say to you it will get easier but that is impossible to say and mean...you & your mom had a very special bond that can not be broke even in death and you are SO right it is not the same to talk with her still... I do hold you up in my prayers to find comfort in writing things to her maybe not publicly just yet but put it in an e-mail maybe and tweak it here and there when you read over it or add to it that could possible make you feel better ( I hope) Know this I pee in my pants lately too.... as Billy Madison says....peeing your pants is cool!!! :)) sending you some sunshine love wrapped up with happiness :))
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful relationship you had with your Mum. You tell us all of the time but reading your words today really brought how it was to life. Yes, you must miss that so much, miss her wonderful presence so much, her unconditional love, her laughter.
ReplyDeleteI wonder about grief. I've read about the age stages of a child's understanding of grief. I skim read it in case it is too hard to accept, and then I put it away again. Then I get on with life.
That's what it is like for you. I suppose. For us all, no matter what our mother-daugher relationship was like. Or whoever it is we are grieving for.
I'm glad you can tell us that you peed your pants.Hugs.
(((hugs of love and healing)))
ReplyDelete